Early comedy script - first few pages. Very Scottish.
INT. RAILWAY STATION – DAY
A provincial railway station on the Scottish West coast. JOHNNY
MCINTYRE, 50s, is tanned and looks as if he’s been dipped in another
culture. Next to Johnny is ARCHIE, 10, and Johnny’s son. Although
Archie’s wearing an oversized Scottish Football top from the 1978 World
Cup, his face says he’s more Argentina than Airdrie. The two of them
soak in the station like strangers in a strange land. A GUY, 20s, passes
with a rugby top and kilt on. Archie smiles at Johnny. Johnny smiles,
puts his arm around Archie as they head out of the station.
EXT. TAXI RANK – DAY
A neat tidy taxi rank – new cars – with trendy folks getting into them. The yuppie-fication of Scotland is not lost on Johnny.
INT. TAXI – DAY
Johnny and Archie jump into the back seat of a taxi. The dozing DRIVER
is wearing a balaclava and dark sunglasses. The driver doesn’t move.
TAXI DRIVER I’ll be with you in a minute, just coming to. This is the best time for a sleep. I can't sleep at night – not with all that goes through my head. It’s always like my life getting played back to me by some terrorist.
The driver eventually sits up.
TAXI DRIVER (CONT’D) Oh well, another day another dollar, I suppose. Where to gentlemen?
JOHNNY Bentick Street, if it’s still there.
TAXI DRIVER It’s still there, chief.
Archie is taken with the balaclava and dark sunglasses. He speaks in Spanish to his father.
ARCHIE Spanish(What’s wrong with that man? Is he a ‘Bampot’ Dad?)
All that we non-spanish speaking punters can understand is the word BAMPOT.
JOHNNY Spanish (Yes)
Johnny ruffles Archie’s hair:’that’s my boy’.
TAXI DRIVER I know what you’re thinking but you’d be wrong.
JOHNNY Would I?
TAXI DRIVER It’s not a fashion statement.
JOHNNY No?
TAXI DRIVER No, see that fanny over there.
Johnny leans over to look out the driver’s side window. A MAN with a camera is taking photographs of the taxi.
TAXI DRIVER (CONT’D) Government man. Thinks we’re all claiming social.
JOHNNY Are you?
TAXI DRIVER Claiming? Aye, but that’s not the point, it’s the principal
of the thing. It’s like that guy that wrote big brother?
JOHNNY George Orwell.
TAXI DRIVER Simon Cowell.
The taxi pulls away from the rank.
EXT. TAXI RANK – DAY
The SOCIAL SECURITY MAN takes photos of the taxi as it drives off. In
the background TWO DRIVERS stand smoking, both wearing balaclavas and
sun glasses. As the taxi pulls away the driver gives the social
security man ‘the finger’. The man turns to see an OLD WOMAN with a
shopping trolly staring at him.
SOCIAL MAN Get lost, Granny.
She hits him with her umbrella. While the Social Security man is
distracted with the old woman – the smoking taxi drivers lift their
balaclavas in defiance. When the man turns back the balaclavas are
already pulled down.
EXT. STREET – DAY
The taxi drives into Bentick Street.
INT. TAXI – DAY
TAXI DRIVER Where on Bentick?
JOHNNY Is the Hole In The Wall bar still there?
TAXI DRIVER You been away a while then chief?
JOHNNY You could say that.
TAXI DRIVER It’s like that song, you know -’The Times they are a changing’ by that bloke?
JOHNNY Bob Dylan.
TAXI DRIVER Robbie Williams. The bar changed its name to Spendidos years ago. Gay Roddy still runs it ‘though. You know him?
JOHNNY Roddy McNeil?
TAXI DRIVER Aye that’s the one. Tried to turn it into a gay pub last year but it never worked.
JOHNNY How come?
TAXI DRIVER Turns out, it was just a phase. His Maw found him in bed
with Dirty Annie from Nelson Street. She was that disappointed.
JOHNNY His Maw?
TAXI DRIVER Dirty Annie.
EXT. STREET – DAY
The Taxi pulls up outside Spendidos pub. It’s seen better days.
INT. STREET – DAY
Johnny and Archie take their bags from the taxi. THREE SMOKERS stand
outside. Archie stares at the men as his dad guides him into
the pub.
INT. SPENDIDOS – DAY
This is a pub that can’t make up it’s mind what it wants to be. TWO OLD
GUYS sit nursing whiskies. A MAN in leather gear with a handle bar
moustache sits with a bottle of beer at the bar. RODDY , 50s, is
drying the glasses and watching the telly.
RODDY Howdee. What’s it to be?
JOHNNY Just a coke.
RODDY And for the midget?
JOHNNY Spanish (What do you want to drink Archie?)
ARCHIE Coca.
JOHNNY Two cokes.
RODDY The boy foreign, like?
Roddy snaps the lids off of two coke bottles.
JOHNNY Born in Argentina. He’s my boy. His name’s Archie, as in Gemmell.
RODDY There’s a blast from the past. Don’t I recognise you?
JOHNNY You should, we sat next to each other in school. You, me and the one that used to wet herself.
JOHNNY/RODDY Stinky Alison.
RODDY It’s not? No, it canny be? Johnny McIntyre. I thought you were
dead. (to the rest of the pub including the three smokers returning)
Ladies and Gentlemen, this here is Johnny McIntyre – went to Argentina
for the World Cup in 1978 and forgot to come home. (to Johnny) Alec the
Bus, said you’d been caught by pygmies who’d shrunk yer head.
The moustached man knocks the bar with his empty beer bottle.
RODDY (referring to the moustached man) That’s Bogdan. Polish – can't
speak a word of English. He thinks this is still a gay pub. I don’t
know how to tell him, we’ve gone straight. Anyway he spends well. Them
two in the corner are always taking drink off him.
The two old geezers, holding up empty glasses, wink over at Bogdan.
RODDY (CONT’D) I was sorry to hear about your Maw.
JOHNNY Stop the crap, Roddy. She was an animal.
Roddy puts a straw in a bottle of cola and hands it to Johnny.
JOHNNY (CONT’D) Spanish (Sit over at the table)
Archie takes the cola and sits at an empty table. This wee boy is a credit to his old man. Johnny ‘necks’ the other bottle of cola down.
JOHNNY (CONT’D) Aye, thanks.
RODDY I take it she never met your kid?
JOHNNY No. He’s the youngest. I’ve got an older boy and girl in Argentina.
Roddy reaches up to the top shelf.
RODDY I mean when you didn’t come back for your Maw’s funeral, that’s when all the stories started.
Roddy blows dust off his favourite bottle of whisky.
RODDY (CONT’D) You’ll have a wee drink with me, Johnny?
JOHNNY Gave it up.
RODDY Whisky or the drink?
JOHNNY Everything.
RODDY Mind you, you always were the worst drinker in the world.
JOHNNY See that’s why I stopped. If Mother Theresa had got drunk one
night, everything else would have gone out the window and that’s all
they’d remember.
Roddy pours himself a large one. They clink glass/bottle.
RODDY Old times.
JOHNNY Good times.
Roddy knocks the drink back then rummages through a drawer.
RODDY I think I’ve still got it. Aye, here we are.
Roddy slaps a key on the bar top.
JOHNNY The key for the place upstairs?
RODDY Your maw said you’d be back. She wouldn’t let anyone say you were
dead. I haven’t been up there since the funeral. Although I can hear
moving about from time to time and I don’t think it’s a ghost.
INT. JADA’S HOUSE. CELLAR – DAY
Hanging upside down and his ankles tied to a butcher’s hook is a MAN IN
HIS TWENTIES. A pair of hands pulls the man back. He is terrified.
ANDY (O.C.) Aye, you’re not talking so much now?
MAN I said, I’m sorry, what else can I do?
ANDY MCINTYRE , 50, thinks he’s better dressed than he is. Actually , he thinks he’s Brad Pitt.
ANDY Give me the money you took or else.
MAN Or else what? You’re going to make all the blood rush to my head?
The two hands holding the man belong to TESCO. He’s in his twenties and another idiot.
ANDY Right Tesco, let the wee jobby swing.
MAN Nooooooo….
The man is pushed towards the middle of the room where there are bowling skittles.
The man’s head knocks down eight of them.
ANDY Not bad. Though you’ve left yourself with a one, ten split. Not an easy second shot.
Andy pushes the upside down man into the hands of Tesco who, once again
pulls the man back. The man’s face is looking up at Tesco.
MAN How come they call you Tesco?
ANDY (O.C) He’s been shopped that many times.
TESCO Hey, if you don’t mind, I’ve got to concentrate.
MAN Look, hitting those skittles with my face hurts.
TESCO It’s meant to!
MAN I didn’t mean to say your maw looked liked Susan Boyle. It was the drink talking.
TESCO Oh we can all use that as an excuse.
Tesco lines up the swinging man with the skittles, then pushes him out
to the side. The man hits down one skittle with his face and then swings
back hitting down the other. All the time, the man is screaming like a
big girl.
TESCO (CONT’D) A spare!
ANDY I can’t enjoy this match with all his screaming. Tape his mouth
up. Tell you what, you carry on, I’m away to check on Bomber.
INT. JOHNNY’S MOTHER’S FLAT – DAY
A key in the door. Johnny and Archie enter a flat that was once loved.
LOUNGE There are covers over the furniture. Archie picks up a photo of a younger Johnny, Andy and their mother. Johnny points.
LOUNGE There are covers over the furniture. Archie picks up a photo of a younger Johnny, Andy and their mother. Johnny points.
JOHNNY That was me.
It brings a smile to Archie’s little face.
JOHNNY (CONT’D) That’s my brother…Spanish (My brother, Andy, your Uncle and that old witch is your Granny).
And for the first time since setting foot in good old Scotland, Archie tries a bit of English.
ARCHIE Where? She?
JOHNNY She, dead….Spanish (dead)… (to himself) Gone to hell hopefully.
Next to it is a well thumbed note book – on the cover “Clients – Money owed”.
JOHNNY (CONT’D) Moneylending to the end, you old witch.
A NOISE from the next room. The book is discarded. Archie is about to
push the door open when Johnny catches him. Johnny signals to Archie to
keep quiet.
BEDROOM
To say this room looks like NASA Control would not be underestimating it.
COMPUTERS and all the paraphernalia that surrounds are almost
suffocating the room. In the corner sits BOMBER, 24, with headphones
listening to some unheard music. His head is jiggling as he stretches
back on a seat with his legs on a table.
Johnny lifts a couple of the DVDs that Bomber is duplicating. Cheap
porn. “HARRY POTTER AND THE PHILOSPHER’S STIFFY”, “CHUBBY CHASERS
ALMANAC” and then in amongst the trash is “SCOTLAND’S WORLD CUP
VICTORIES”.
JOHNNY (CONT’D) Now that is pornographic.
Archie’s eyes are like saucers looking at some of the front covers. Johnny knocks the seat away from Bomber.
BOMBER What the……
Bomber is lying on the floor and attempts to sit up. Johnny presses his head with his foot.
JOHNNY Me first. Who are you?
ANDY (O.C.) Hands up.
JOHNNY That old one,sticking a screwdriver into bloke’s back and pretending it’s a gun. Still a tit then, Andrew?
Sure enough Andy has crept in the room and stuck the handle of a
screwdriver into Johnny’s back. Andy has his hand over Archie’s mouth.
The screwdriver gets dropped and Archie’s mouth released.
ANDY Johnny?
JOHNNY Aye, Johnny.
ANDY Bloody hell…
BOMBER Who’s Johnny?
ANDY …my big brother.
BOMBER I didn’t know you had a brother.
ANDY He ran away to join the army, Ally’s Tartan bleedin’ Army.
END of INTRO
2. BROKEN FINGERS - ONLY FOR ADULTS
WARNING: THIS IS ADULT IN NATURE
ACTUAL ADVERT FROM STARNOW UK – OCTOBER 2011
Entertainers wanted to work from home doing Live spots on Bingocams – UK
Can you sing, are you a comic, do you have a talent, then we want to hear from you
As a spot presenter/entertainer you will be responsible for a bingo room, whilst LIVE on webcam . It is therefore important that you can entertain the players, using any talent at your disposal! We would give you some training in our admin, so that you can perform in our bingo rooms from your own location using the internet. We would like some entertainers to do regular spots and we would also be interested in “one off” performers.
This is a home based position. You need to be computer literate with an internet connection of MINIMUM 10M Download and 1M Upload. We need well presented, entertaining people.
Can you sing, are you a comic, do you have a talent, then we want to hear from you
As a spot presenter/entertainer you will be responsible for a bingo room, whilst LIVE on webcam . It is therefore important that you can entertain the players, using any talent at your disposal! We would give you some training in our admin, so that you can perform in our bingo rooms from your own location using the internet. We would like some entertainers to do regular spots and we would also be interested in “one off” performers.
This is a home based position. You need to be computer literate with an internet connection of MINIMUM 10M Download and 1M Upload. We need well presented, entertaining people.
__________________________________________________________________________________
BLACKSCREEN
INCREASING SOUNDS OF MAN SINGING IN A BATHROOM
CAPTION:
Episode One
“Only when all the fingers begin working together will the healing start.”
Nurse Alison Baddock, Long Term Ward, St. Balantines.
FADE IN:
INT. MID/PINKY’S BATHROOM – DAY
MID (40s) shovels on the aftershave as he croons into the mirror.
There’s even a little hip movement going on.
Satisfied, he Cha-cha-cha’s out of the toilet in his tracky bottoms.
INT. MID/PINKY’S BEDROOM – DAY
MID takes care putting on a real good cabaret shirt: all frills and stuff.
The dark blue velvet jacket sits beautifully on top.
Followed by a really bad wig.
This man is good to go.
INT. MID/PINKY’S HALLWAY – DAY
MID is in his bare feet, still wearing the tracky bottoms but immaculate from the waist up: A MAN OF TWO HALVES.
He walks into the “Den” as PINKY (35) his missus, likes to call it. In fact it says PINKY’S DEN above the door.
And guess what? Most things in the room are pink.
INT. PINKY’S DEN – DAY
A lap top computer sits on top of a lots of books. The idea is to get
the computers camera high enough to film MID’s upper half.
MID: Ready love.
MID wets his finger and then touches his jacket with that SIZZLING sound.
PINKY (30s) softer than MID but a member of the ‘black roots and fags’ club all the same. Tart with a heart.
PINKY checks that the computer camera is pointing at MID. She gives him a thumbs up.
PINKY dials a number on her pink mobile phone.
PINKY: Ready.
INT. BROADFOOT BINGO HALL – DAY
This is an intermission in the bingo play and the WRINKLIES are TALKING UP a storm.
INDEX (20s) is a big built bingo caller. He finds life less stressful in here than out there.
A quick TAP on the microphone and he’s off.
INDEX: A bit of hush now please ladies, gents and others – you know who YOU are.
He waits for the laugh that never comes – ever!
INDEX (CONT’D): Now I have the pleasure.
He makes a CLICKING NOISE and gives a big wink. You just want to hold the bloke and tell him to stop it.
INDEX (CONT’D): No honestly peeps, I have the great pleasure.
Another pause for a laugh that’s long since ridden out of town.
An INDEX COUGH then,
INDEX (CONT’D): I have the great pleasure to welcome Number Bingo’s very own Elton John, Mister Middleton McDuff.
INDEX walks backwards from the microphone, applauding. There’s just him
and ONE OTHER WOMAN in the audience clapping and she just might be a
bit NUTS.
INT. PINKY’S DEN – DAY
MID nods to PINKY to switch the backing track on – the best that Karaoke Songs of The Seventies volume 2 can provide.
This isn’t one of Elton’s bigger numbers , it’s Philadelphia Freedom but MID has all the actions.
MID: Good afternoon…e..n..gland!
CUT TO:
INT. BROADFOOT BINGO HALL – DAY
MID’S face and upper body TEN FOOT HIGH on the large Bingo Screen.
There’s a CHEER from the BINGO PLAYERS.
MID:And a big hello to Scotland!
CUT TO:
INT. GALLOWS BINGO HALL – DAY
A MEXICAN WAVE goes around the hall.
MID:Wales , how are you all?
CUT TO:
INT. WELSHTOWN BINGO HALL – DAY
SOME OF THE CROWD stand up and bump each other’s bums.
MID:And last but not least Northern Ireland.
CUT TO:
INT. BALLYCREASE BINGO HALL – DAY
This is BLACK and DEAD – we’ll find out about
their story.
CUT TO:
INT. BROADFOOT BINGO HALL – DAY
The TEN FOOT HIGH FACE of MID has warmed some of the crowd to coming
around to the song. There’s a FOOT TAP here and a head nod there.
One of the tappers is ELSIE SHAKESPEARE (60s) – looks older.
INT. PINKY’S DEN – DAY
MID is in full flow and PINKY, who’s kneeling by the computer is getting turned on.
She just can’t resist it anymore and walks on her knees over to MID.
She pulls his tracky bottoms down while he’s still in full throw – and
gives him A BLOW JOB.
INT. BROADFOOT BINGO HALL – DAY
The ten foot high reaction on MID’s face. Lovely stuff.
The CROWD have no idea why he’s so happy.
EXT. BROADFOOT BINGO HALL – DAY
ELSIE is helping her old pal MAISIE (80s) down the steps.
ELSIE:He was good.
MAISIE:Wha?
ELSIE:I SAID HE WAS GOOD!
MAISIE:I’m not bloody deaf.
Down another couple of steps.
MAISIE (CONT’D) :You off to see your boy then?
ELSIE nods – they come to the parting of the ways.
MAISIE (CONT’D):Here’s me taxi. I’ll see you next week.
As Maisie’s taxi pulls away, Elsie’s bus comes right behind it.
I/E. BUS – DAY
ELSIE pays for her ticket then sits. SEVERAL MORE PASSENGERS get on giving her time to read the poster outside the BINGO HALL.
“BINGO UK ENTERPRISES ARE LOOKING FOR TALENT TO ENTERTAIN THE CROWDS……..”
SLOWLY A LIGHT GOES ON IN ELSIE’S HEAD UNTIL IT BURSTS INTO A BONFIRE.
As the bus pulls away, ELSIE looks back at the poster and smiles to herself.
She’s got a plan and it’s a good one.
INT. ST. BALANTINE’S HOSPITAL. WARD – DAY
This is the long term ward full of broken legs, broken arms and broken hearts.
ELSIE walks up the ward waving/talking to various patients – she’s done this walk many times.
ELSIE:How are you darlin’ – all right? Good.
(beat)
You’re coming on a treat their Kenny.
(beat)
Isa, doesn’t he look well?
(beat)
So do you, had your hair done? You look like the Queen.
PATIENT (Off Camera.): You too Els’e.
ELSIE: Leave off, I’m away in to see my boy.
PATIENT (O.C.) :Give him my best.
ELSIE: I will.
INT. ST. BALANTINE’S HOSPITAL. ROOM – CONTINUOUS
In the room at the end is WEDDING SHAKESPEARE (30s) who’s lying very flat with a NECK BRACE on.
The usual stuff wired up to him.
Elsie has to stand right over WEDDING’s bed, although he has A MIRROR contraption to help.
WEDDING: Jeez Mum, I can hear you all the way up here. By the time you’ve talked to everyone it’s bleeding time to go home.
ELSIE: Oh shut your face and give your old Mum a big kiss.
She gives him a smacker. The effect is noticable on Wedding – he loves his Mum.
WEDDING:How’d the bingo go?
ELSIE: Oh you know, usual. What about you?
WEDDING: Operating on the fingers soon.
ELSIE: I told you, didn’t I?
ELSIE takes off her Sunday Best coat – very quietly and demurely then
she goes into her usual RANT – we know this as WEDDING is mouthing the
words (not too perfectly).
ELSIE/WEDDING: I said to your friend Keith don’t let him anywhere near a
bike, I said. He’ll only get hurt, I said and what happens? You get
hurt.
ELSIE is back around standing over him.
WEDDING smiles at the best looking nurse in the place, she smiles back and gives a little wave.
ELSIE: So have you?
WEDDING :What?
ELSIE: Asked that nurse out? She seems nice.
WEDDING: Ask her out where exactly? The bathroom?
ELSIE: No need for cheek, manners cost nothing.
WEDDING:I’m just saying.
ELSIE: Of course your just saying, you’re always just saying that’s why you’re in here.
WEDDING lets out a sigh – he gives up.
INT. MID/PINKY’S LOUNGE – NIGHT
PINKY and MID are cuddled on a cheap sofa.
The Telly’s ON.
PINKY grabs MID’S groin.
MID: I want to watch this.
PINKY: It’s just a lot of mental people.
MID: It’s X-Factor.
PINKY: I don’t care.
MID: One day when I can go..you know..out, I’m going to go on that.
PINKY: Won’t I need to die or at least have a terminal illness to get the public on your side?
MID tickles PINKY, who then gets up.
MID: It could be arranged.
PINKY: TV or sex?
PINKY stops at the door.
PINKY (CONT’D):I’m off to see my big friend if the batteries hold out. Care to join ‘moi’?
MID is too wrapped up with the TV’s mental people.
PINKY has a smile, shakes her head and leaves.
INT. MID/PINKY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
PINKY pulls out a BIG (it would bring tears to your eyes) PINK VIBRATOR from her bedroom drawer.
PINKY smiles.
NOISE of VIBRATOR.
INT. MID/PINKY’S LOUNGE – LATER
MID is still on the sofa watching TV.
TV MAN (Off Screen): “So what I’m saying is…..we won’t….”
MUSIC from TELLY to underline the pause.
MID: ….Be asking you to go to L.A.
TV MAN:“Won’t be asking you to join us in L.A.”
MID:YES. Get in there.
MID jumps up pleased with himself. He gives a high-five to a non-existent SIMON COWELL
MID (CONT’D): Cheers Simon.
DOOR BELL RINGS.
INT. MID/PINKY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
PINKY is almost climaxing with her vibrator.
PINKY (shouting to MID) :LEAVE IT HONEY, IT’LL BE THAT LITTLE SHIT FROM NEXT DOOR.
DOOR BELL RINGS AND RINGS AND RINGS
INT. MID/PINKY’S LOUNGE – NIGHT
MID reluctantly pulls himself away from the Telly to look out the window.
The door bell stops ringing.
EXT. MID/PINKY’s HOUSE – NIGHT
BYRON, (14) that little shit from next door is hiding behind the hedge with his besty pal, JAKE (14).
BYRON: He won’t come outside.
JAKE: Sure?
BYRON:Just fucking do it.
JAKE presses the door bell again.
INT. MID/PINKY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
DOOR BELL RINGING.
PINKY is one pubic hair away from an ORGASM.
All that DEEP HEAVY BREATHING.
PINKY:AAAA…AAA…AA..I’ll……AAA….do….the….little……AAAAAAAAA.
YEP, she’s CUM. HALLELUJAH!!
INT. MID/PINKY’S HALL – NIGHT
MID is sweating, I mean really sweating. He’s reluctant to open the door.
One more drop of sweat and it’s a CARDIAC ARREST for him.
DESPITE all of this, he does it – he opens the door.
JAKE stands and gobs the biggest ever gob in the history of television on MID’S face.
It SLIDES down over his nose.
EXT. MID/PINKY’S HOUSE – NIGHT
JAKE is brave but only because of WHAT HE KNOWS.
MID stands at the door too nervous to cross into the big outside world.
JAKE puts his NOSE up against MID’s.
JAKE:You want to hit me, don’t ya?
MID:Fuck off.
JAKE:You hear that Byron, Tom Jones wants to hit me?
BYRON:Who the fuck is Tom Jones?
MID:Move — or I will kill you.
JAKE steps back a pace, still not too sure how far he can push him.
JAKE:Come on then.
JAKE picks some planted flowers out of the garden. He throws them at MID – dirt and all.
MID is frozen to the spot – BYRON, the other shit, joins in – pulling up the flowers.
THE THUNDEROUS ARRIVAL OF PINKY!
PINKY in her sexy undies comes belting out the house and armed with a HUGE PINK VIBRATOR threatens JAKE and BYRON.
They’ve been caught off guard for a second, concentrating (as they were) on PINKY’S SKIMPY UNDERWEAR.
PINKY:He might be stuck indoors but I sure the hell aren’t. Now if you
don’t want this rammed up your Khyber Pass you’d better BLOODY RUN!
And JAKE and BYRON do just that. Without a care, PINKY sees them off up the street.
MID is so busy watching PINKY and wiping the SPIT off his face that he
doesn’t notice ELSIE (who is small in comparison) standing in front of
him.
ELSIE (O.C.):Hello.
Through MID’S eyes we see nothing.
ELSIE (O.C.) (CONT’D): H-el-l-l-o-o.
MID steps back surprised.
ELSIE (CONT’D): Can I speak to you? Please, it’s important.
MID nods for ELSIE to come in.
INT. DREAM STAGE – NIGHT
WEDDING is up on the stage of a small club. To be honest this is the environment he was born for. He’s comfortable up here.
WEDDING’S a natural comedian and has a real nice easy style about him.
WEDDING: What does it take to re-unite The Beatles?
Two bullets. Paul McCartney tells his kids I’ve got some bad news and some good news: ‘The bad news is your mother’s dead, but the good news is that it’s bacon for tea tonight.’
Two bullets. Paul McCartney tells his kids I’ve got some bad news and some good news: ‘The bad news is your mother’s dead, but the good news is that it’s bacon for tea tonight.’
The CROWD love it.
EXT. DREAM ROAD – NIGHT
WEDDING is on his bike and this is a re-run of his bike accident that shoots through his psyche every night.
WEDDING sits astride the bike, pleased with his leather gear and the throbbing engine beneath.
Okay it’s a dream. We’re exaggerating here.
He places THE HELMET on his head, revs up and the boy’s away.
He’s going through the town centre getting faster and faster.
CUT TO:
INT. ST. BALANTINE’S HOSPITAL. ROOM – NIGHT
We can see the effect the dream is having on WEDDING. He’s in total panic and his eyes are darting about underneath his lids.
CUT TO:
EXT. DREAM ROAD – NIGHT
An OLD WOMAN and HER DOG walking past an ELECTRICAL SHOP.
WEDDING shoots over the crescendo of a hill, leaving the road for a second.
When he lands the OLD WOMAN has stepped on to the road. To avoid
hitting her, WEDDING swerves causing him and the bike to slide along the
road.
THE BIKE and WEDDING crash through a door and slide onto a stage.
CUT TO:
INT. DREAM STAGE – NIGHT
WEDDING and HIS BIKE smash into the COMEDIAN on the stage.
Of course the COMEDIAN is also WEDDING – hey this is a dream and it’s metaphorical etc.
BIKER WEDDING takes his helmet off and looks shocked at COMEDIAN
WEDDING lying dying on the stage. With tears coming down his face, he
holds the comedian’s head in his lap.
CUT TO:
INT. ST. BALANTINE’S HOSPITAL. ROOM – NIGHT
WEDDING wakes with a LARGE INTAKE of BREATH, frazzled in SHOCK and SWEAT, just like he does every night.
INT. DOCTOR’S – DAY
PINKY is stripped down to her underwear and the WOMAN DOCTOR has just finished examining her.
The DOCTOR sits behind her desk.
DOCTOR:Overall you’re health is good. Nothing wrong there.
PINKY points to her head.
PINKY:It’s all up here Doc. The problem’s in there.
DOCTOR:Well Penny.
PINKY:Pinky, please.
DOCTOR:All I can suggest is a spot of counseling.
The DOCTOR looks at her notes.
DOCTOR (CONT’D):Sex is a very common addiction…..Pinky. You’d be
surprised. Some manage to live with it but when it gets to the stage
when it interferes with your everyday life, then it’s time to see
someone. Get some help.
PINKY:It wouldn’t be so bad if me boyfriend could help but he can’t go
outside. He’s got that Agro thingy. Scared of all the shit that’s out
there. So when I’m at the shops all I think about is sex this, sex that,
even a tube of Smarties turns me on, it really does Doc.
DOCTOR:I can see that being a problem. Is it just Smarties? Just curious.
PINKY:Nope. Mars Bars, Crunchies, Snikers, Twix, Curly Wurlys, Fudge..
DOCTOR:Only chocolate then?
PINKY:I wish it was, I really do Doc but it’s anything really. Lamp posts for instance.
DOCTOR:Well I can suggest a couple of methods. I know of a good counselor who can visit you in your home.
PINKY:I’d rather Mid didn’t know that I’m bothered about all this.
DOCTOR:Mid?
PINKY:Mid or Middle, Middleton really, he’s my boyfriend.
DOCTOR:Well the counselor also does single and group sessions at his office.
PINKY:I can’t be away from the house that long or he’ll get depressed.
DOCTOR:Do you use a computer?
PINKY NODS
DOCTOR (CONT’D):Well could you get time to yourself to talk to the counselor over the computer maybe?
PINKY is happier and smiles. Someone’s listened.
DOCTOR (CONT’D):Excellent.
INT. INDEX’S FLAT. LOUNGE – DAY
This flat is only meant for one person but INDEX lives here with his Mum and her dementia. She’s got the bedroom.
INDEX has just woken up. He sleeps on the sofa.
MOANING from the other room.
INDEX:Just coming Mum, I’m making your brekie now.
INDEX sticks his leg out of the pitiful cover and makes it sound as if he’s moving about.
INDEX (CONT’D):Your breakfast will be ready in ten minutes. Promise.
INDEX puts his head back under the cover.
INT. CORNER SHOP – DAY
SMOKES, SWEETS and PAPERS.
PINKY enters dressed in a FLUORESCENT TRACK SUIT.
SAMIR (20s) the hard working owner is reading the morning paper.
PINKY:Morning Samir.
Without looking up, SAMIR, waves his hand.
PINKY collects MILK and the NEWSPAPER.
SAMIR:Anyfink else?
He’s still reading his paper.
PINKY has a guilty look.
PINKY:And a tube of Smarties.
SAMIR reaches behind him (he’s still not lifted his head) and places them on the counter.
PINKY panics and runs off leaving everything.
INT. INDEX’S FLAT. BEDROOM – DAY
INDEX’S MOTHER is propped up on the bed by a big pillow. She has an old
tea towel as a bib and INDEX is sitting on the edge of the bed feeding
her some slop from a bowl.
INDEX’S MOTHER moans.
INDEX is tasting the spoonful of growl on his lips.
INDEX:See it’s not too hot. Now come on Mum eat it up.
INDEX shovels the stuff into her gob but she waits for a second then spits it out.
INDEX (CONT’D):(like a four year old): M-u-m
INDEX sticks some of the mush into his own gob.
INDEX (CONT’D):I’ve been working on a new routine Mum. Yes Mum a new
routine. You and me, we’re going places. Big car, red carpet. I’m going
to take you into the Ivy Mum. It’s a posh restaurant and they’ll say who
is that beautiful woman on Index’s arm. And we’ll be sitting with
Jonathan Ross and Jonathan and me will be buds and he’ll say , your Mum
looks nice tonight Index. ‘Cheers Pal’, I’ll say, ‘Cheers’.
INDEX’S MOTHER smiles with that demented look.
INDEX (CONT’D):See, I knew you’d like that.
INDEX wipes INDEX’S MOTHER’S mouth with some of the bedding.
Then INDEX takes the bowl and leaves.
INT. INDEX’S FLAT. LOUNGE – DAY
INDEX locks the bedroom door from the outside. He must do this every day and every day he feels guilty.
INDEX rests his forehead against the door.
INDEX:(slightly loud):I’m going make big money Mum, Big Money and then
I’m going to get someone to look after you. (quietly to himself) Stay
safe Mum.
EXT. BROADFOOT BINGO HALL – DAY
INDEX is opening up the doors. There’s a GAGGLE of GRANNIES and SUNDRY OTHERS waiting to get in.
INDEX holds back the doors by kicking BLOCKS OF WOOD under them.
INDEX:Easy Ladies and Gents. Take your time. No need to rush.
ELSIE pulls INDEX aside.
ELSIE:You know WEDDING , don’t ya Index? My boy.
INDEX:Course, I do Els’e. He had that bad what do you ma call it, accident.
ELSIE:And he’s very grateful for the card that you all sent round. He told me to tell you that.
INDEX:You’re very kind Els’e, I’ve always looked up to your boy.
ELSIE:Well maybe you could help me.
INDEX:I’m a bit busy at the moment, I can’t keep my Mum waiting, she worries you see.
ELSIE:You’ve left her on her own again, haven’t you?
INDEX:Em…kind of.
ELSIE pats INDEX then walks away shaking her head.
INT. ST. BALANTINE’S HOSPITAL. ROOM – DAY
WEDDING is still lying flat out but he’s watching a movie on a SMALL DVD PLAYER placed above his head.
A FEMALE FACE blocks his view. It’s DANA (20s) very beautiful and all the crap that goes with that.
WEDDING:Hello gorgeous.
She’s nervous and probably WEDDING knows what about.
WEDDING (CONT’D):No kiss then?
A nervous smile.
DANA:There’s something I’ve got to tell you.
WEDDING:You’ve booked us an 18 to 30 to Torremolinos?
DANA:That’s not it.
WEDDING:You want to take me bungee jumping in New Zealand?
DANA just shakes her head, then calls someone off screen over to the bed using her head.
A MAN’S HEAD – BRUCE is now casting a shadow – in all senses.
DANA:This is Bruce. Say hello Bruce.
BRUCE:Hi.
DANA:This is Wedding.
BRUCE:Interesting name…
WEDDING:Fuck up. The two of you just fuck up.
The WHEELS and the COGS are whirling inside WEDDING’S HEAD.
DANA:I wanted to tell you…
WEDDING:Just shut it.
DANA looks at BRUCE who holds her and encourages her to go on.
DANA:I’ve wanted to tell you for a while now but there was never a right time.
WEDDING:I’m not fucking listening. Not anymore. Nurse. Nurse, get them out of here.
WEDDING presses the emergency alarm which brings a nurse scurrying.
NURSE:(to Dana and Bruce):Please get away from the bed.
DANA and BRUCE look at each other then back at Wedding.
NURSE (CONT’D):NOW.
BRUCE with his arms around DANA who’s crying.
WEDDING is trying to SHAKE HIMSELF and his bed to PIECES – the nurse is trying to calm him down.
His TEARS are washing all over his face.
This is VIOLENT and it almost looks as if he’s trying to DAMAGE himself, perhaps for good.
NURSE (CONT’D):HELP. I NEED MORE HELP HERE.
THREE STAFF MEMBERS rush into the room and hold WEDDING.
INT. INDEX’S FLAT. LOUNGE – DAY
INDEX carries TWO CUPS of tea over from the sink. Apart from the bedroom, everything Index needs to live is in this room.
INDEX:Now behave yourself Mum, we’ve got company. No dirty jokes, I’ve warned you about that before.
INDEX’S MOTHER is smiling again but who can be sure what it’s about.
INDEX puts a cup down in front of ELSIE.
ELSIE:I’m sorry for bothering you Index, I really am.
INDEX:WE LIKE VISITORS DON’T WE MUM?
INDEX smiles at Elsie.
INDEX (CONT’D):Bless. So how can I help you? Cake?
ELSIE refuses.
ELSIE:I went to see that singer man from the bingo. McDuff is it?
INDEX:Great, isn’t he?
ELSIE:He said to talk to you.
INDEX:Oh yes, Elsie – you’re not holding on to a singing secret yourself are you?
ELSIE:Not me, my boy Wedding.
INDEX:But he’s…
ELSIE:I know but he won’t be for ever.
INDEX:R-i-g-h-t but I don’t see how I can help.
ELSIE:You know the man that hires people for that big screen thing.
INDEX:Oh you mean Mister Hutchinson. He does all the hiring.
ELSIE:And apparently they are looking for more people, comedians maybe.
INDEX:I think they are Elsie love but I don’t see how that could help
Wedding.COULD IT MUM? WE CAN’T SEE HOW THAT WOULD HELP WEDDING. NO.
ELSIE:Then I need to talk to this Mister Hutchinson.
MUSIC from a MOBILE. It’s from Elsie’s HANDBAG and it’s RAP/GRIME music.
ELSIE starts searching for the thing.
ELSIE (CONT’D):It’s my son’s. Not my kind of music.
ELSIE finds the phone, holds it upside down.
INDEX:Let me Els’e.
INDEX presses the receive button and hands ELSIE the phone back.
ELSIE:Hello.
AS ELSIE gets the bad news the happy face sinks then dies.
ELSIE (CONT’D):I’ve got to go. Please. It’s the hospital.
INT. PINKY’S DEN – DAY
PINKY’S looking furtive.
She’s dressed in total PINK exercise gear – pink shoes, head band etc – A VISION.
PINKY goes over to quietly switch on the COMPUTER and keeps checking the door.
OUTSIDE THE ROOM MID’S FOOTSTEPS.
MID (O.S.):Pinky. Where are ya? Have you seen my…
MID pops his head around the door.
MID (CONT’D):Oh there you are.
PINKY is in the middle of what looks like an exercise regime.
PINKY’S bending over and MID grabs her bum.
PINKY:You saucy mare.
MID:What you doing all that for? You know I like a bit of meat.
PINKY:So even you think I’m fat.
MID spins her around and cuddles her.
MID:You’ve always been just right in my books. Now have you seen my Barry Manilow wig?
PINKY:Second wadrobe, top shelf marked ‘Barry’.
MID:I knew you’d know.
MID walks out the door then turns. MID GROWLS like a sexy lion.
MID (CONT’D):Fancy shagging Barry Manilow?
PINKY:Maybe later.
MID:You sickening for something girl? Not like you to turn down a sesh.
PINKY:Well maybe I’ve changed. Now let me get on with this.
PINKY starts EXERCISING.
MID:Okay, okay I’m going.
MID closes the door.
INT. MID/PINKY’S HALLWAY – DAY
MID’S at a bit of a loss. He shrugs his shoulders, smiles.
INT. PINKY’S DEN – DAY
PINKY’S talking quietly into the phone.
PINKY:So I’m ready.
INT. COUNSELLOR’S OFFICE – DAY
There are several people sitting in a circle and a computer screen (like a large IMac) sitting in the corner.
The COUNSELLOR puts his hands over the mobile.
COUNSELLOR:(to room):Now this young woman Pinky has personal reasons
why she can’t attend our session, so she’s going to join us by computer.
(to phone) Okay Pinky as we rehearsed, just talk into the camera and
tells us a little about yourself.
INT. PINKY’S DEN – DAY
TO CAMERA
PINKY:Hello, my name is Penelope Walters. I was named after Lady
Penelope and I seem to have developed her taste for all things pink.
INT. COUNSELLOR’S OFFICE – DAY
The Computer Screen has nothing on it.
COUNSELLOR:I’ll just give it a tweak.
He smiles nervously at THOSE in the room,
Then fiddles with the buttons.
INT. BROADFOOT BINGO HALL – DAY
There is a BINGO session in full flow and the lady caller hasn’t seen the large screen at the back come to life.
It has PINKY’S face all over it.
PINKY:So to the more important things. My name is Pinky and I have a
sex addiction. I can’t see you at the moment but I guess this is where
you all say ‘Hi Pinky’.
A COUPLE OF FOLKS shout out HI PINKY.
The BINGO caller stops in the middle of the game and watches with everyone else.
PINKY (CONT’D):I like sex in the morning, afternoon, evening, night or
day. In the kitchen, in the bathroom, the garden even ,in the car, the
garage, on a bus, in a lift. You name it , I’ve done it.
INT. COUNSELLOR’S OFFICE – DAY
The COUNSELLOR is still twiddling his controls and the FOLKS in the room are still watching an empty screen.
COUNSELLOR:Shouldn’t be long now.
INT. BROADFOOT BINGO HALL – DAY
JAWS have dropped all over the place. ONE OLD WOMAN is eating her bag of sweets as if she’s at the cinema.
PINKY:I get horny on bicycles and up Blackpool Tower – especially up
Blackpool Tower. Everything reminds me of willies. Everything. So what
do you think? Have I got a problem?
You can hear a pin drop until someone says.
BINGO PLAYER:Yeh, you haven’t met me darling.
This starts a CHUCKLE around the room.
INT. ST. BALANTINE’S HOSPITAL. CORRIDOR – DAY
ELSIE sits alone looking vulnerable on a long line of seats.
NURSE ALISON:The Doctor will see you now Mrs Shakespeare.
World weary ELSIE pulls her body into the office.
INT. ST. BALANTINE’S HOSPITAL. OFFICE – DAY
DOCTOR CRAIG (40s) is an ATTRACTIVE WOMAN.
NURSE ALISON is sitting beside ELSIE.
ELSIE:I want to take him home, especially after this. He needs his Mum.
DOCTOR CRAIG is looking at the paperwork.
DOCTOR CRAIG:It’s not recommended Mrs Shakspeare, William has a long way to go.
ELSIE:I realise that and please he hates the name, call him Wedding. He came into this world at our wedding reception.
DOCTOR CRAIG:You’re not equipped to..
ELSIE:To look after my own son.
DOCTOR CRAIG:I suppose he could get about in a wheelchair as long as he
is careful about the neck brace. The other problem, and not so minor,
is his broken fingers.
NURSE ALISON:Only when all the fingers begin working together will the healing start.
DOCTOR CRAIG:And that is some way off I’m afraid.
ELSIE:Please, he’s not right in his head at the moment. Not with all
this. He may never walk again. His girlfriend has left him for someone
else.He’s my only child.
The DOCTOR looks to the NURSE.
INT. BROADFOOT BINGO HALL – DAY
Another Bingo day, another Index introduction.
INDEX:A bit of hush now please ladies, gents and others – you know who YOU are.
SILENCE!
INDEX (CONT’D):Now I have the pleasure.
Is it possible to be even more silent?
INDEX (CONT’D):I have the great pleasure to welcome Broadfoot Bingo’s very own Comedian, Young Johnny Squires.
Up on the screen comes someone who looks as if he should be at school.
Although YOUNG JOHNNY SQUIRES is YOUNG (20) he looks as if he’s gone to the Bernard Manning School of Dubious Comedy.
INDEX isn’t listening, he’s more interested in the beautiful girl ANNA (19) who takes the money.
Out of his league and then some.
JOHNNY (O.S.):So this year I thought I’d get into the Halloween Spirit
and scare the shit out of my neighbours – so I went as an Immigration
Officer.
A FEW in the room like this. The OTHERS go for a smoke or a natter.
INDEX is clearing up near to ANNA.
She smiles at him then continues counting the money/tickets.
JOHNNY (O.S.) (CONT’D):The Government have advised people to watch out
for fake 2012 Olympic tickets. I think I’ll be alright though. My
tickets for the Men’s Wheelchair Triple jump seem genuine enough.
ANNA has a chuckle at this joke.
INDEX:Anna?
Another smile from ANNA.
ANNA:Mmm?
INDEX:Would…would….
ANNA:That Johnny’s good, ain’t he?
INDEX:Yeh, yeh he is.
INDEX wanders off.
INDEX (CONT’D):(quietly) I’m better than him.
INDEX watches his competition.
JOHNNY:Jimmy Savile’s family are naturally devastated by his death.
Although they are taking comfort in the gold they’ve cashed in.
INDEX:Who’s Jimmy Savile?
INT. ST. BALANTINE’S HOSPITAL. CORRIDOR – DAY
NURSE ALISON is pushing WEDDING in a wheelchair. ELSIE is walking proudly next to her son.
WEDDING is so trussed up he could be in Silence of The Lambs. Not so sure if he’s happy or not.
NURSE ALISON:Now I’ve put all the medication in the bag. If you need
any more pain killers just call in.(to Wedding) You okay about this?
WEDDING NODS.
EXT. ST. BALANTINE’S HOSPITAL. – DAY
TWO PARAMEDICS: ONE wheels WEDDING on to the lift and the OTHER helps ELSIE on to the AMBULANCE.
ELSIE:Thank you for giving me my son back.
ALSION is taken a back for a moment.
NURSE ALISON:No problem Elsie and we’ll see the two of you next week. And watch the fingers.
INT. PINKY’S DEN – DAY
MID is rehearsing belting out DEAD OR ALIVE’S ‘YOU SPIN ME RIGHT ROUND’.
He’s got the WIG and MAKEUP and PETE BURNS’ EYE PATCH but looks like a psychotic BOY GEORGE except for the track suit bottoms.
Sometimes MID tries things that don’t quite hit the target. This one has missed and gone on holiday.
PINKY enters. After her so called confession she’s looking ten years younger.
PINKY:(mouthing the words):I’m just nipping out to the shops, all right petal?
MID turns the MUSIC DOWN.
MID:You’re looking good. You got a boyfriend I don’t know about?
PINKY:Might have. No, I just feel a lot better about things.
MID:Good. Good. You remember they’ll be here at eleven.
PINKY:I’ll be back by then. I’m not running away.
MID just likes to hear that.
Back to DEAD OR ALIVE, UP LOUD!
MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING OVER NEXT SEQUENCE – IN THE BACKGROUND. MAKING THE WHOLE THING SEEM LIKE IT ALL BELONGS TOGETHER.
INT. INDEX’S FLAT. LOUNGE – DAY
INDEX is happy. He’s getting ready to go somewhere that isn’t the BINGO HALL.
He almost SKIPS into the bedroom.
INT. INDEX’S FLAT. BEDROOM – DAY
INDEX:I’m going out to see a friend Mum. They want to talk to me, isn’t that exciting?
INDEX wipes her mouth with a paper hanky he spits on first (just like she must have done to him once upon a time).
INDEX (CONT’D):I know you don’t like the bus, so you’re better off here.
INDEX exits and for the first time even although he’s locking his mother in, he’s smiling.
EXT. SUPERMARKET – DAY.
PINKY is shopping for her guests who are coming. A GOOD LOOKING GUY smiles at her, she gives him a glance and walks on.
A little victory – she’s not cured but..
PINKY:(to no one in particular)I’m having a good day.
EXT. STREET – DAY
A SIX-SEATER TAXI pulls up.
ELSIE gets out and the TAXI DRIVER opens the doors to lower the side lift.
WEDDING is on a wheel chair.
MUSIC from earlier FADES.
ELISE pushes the chair towards MID and PINKY’S front door.
WEDDING:This better be good.
ELSIE:It is son, it is.
EXT. MID/PINKY’s FRONT DOOR – DAY
PINKY’S already putting out a piece of wood so that the wheel chair can go up the ramp.
PINKY:It was Mid’s idea. Come in. Come in.
INT. PINKY’S DEN – DAY
There’s a BINGO show due in a few minutes. ‘PETE BURNS’ is dressed from the waist up.
PINKY:Cup of tea? Biscuit?
ELSIE:A cup of tea would be nice.
PINKY:I’m Pinky by the way and you all know my man, Mid, superstar.
MID:I thank you.
WEDDING:You’re the one my Mum says sings at the Bingo?
MID:It is I.
LATER
ELSIE’S drinking her tea and biscuits. WEDDING doesn’t really know what’s going on.
MID is READY!
PINKY is READY with the Karaoke machine and phone.
The computer camera is READY.
WEDDING:This is a mad house.
ELISE:Just wait love.
MID:This is a good day.
MID is taking a few pre-show-nerves deep breaths.
PINKY PHONES.
PINKY:Mr Harrington we’re ready.
DOOR BELL goes but just the once.
PINKY (CONT’D):Can you get it ELSIE?
ELSIE:Sure I can.
ELSIE walks into the hall.
INT. BROADFOOT BINGO HALL – DAY
THE ROOM is FULL, I guess they’re all here for another SEX CONFESSION.
LADY CALLER:And now it’s our very own Middleton ‘Mid’ McDuff with You Turn Me Round.
SCREEN blasts on with the music and MID looking like he’s been in an accident.
OLD BINGO PLAYER:Bloody hell, what’s that?
INT. PINKY’S DEN – DAY
ELSIE returns with INDEX and INDEX’S MOTHER.
PINKY puts a finger to her lips to keep them quiet.
INDEX:Sorry. I had to bring my Mum she was a bit upset today.
INDEX nods to WEDDING and goes over to shake his hand. However INDEX’S MOTHER is standing behind MID and staring at the camera.
INT. BROADFOOT BINGO HALL – DAY
There’s MID singing his heart out and INDEX’S MOTHER at his back. He’s no idea she’s there.
OLD BINGO PLAYER:She part of the act?
Then the SCREEN shows INDEX trying to guide her away.
OLD WOMAN PLAYER:Is that Index?
INT. PINKY’S DEN – DAY
MID has just finished his song.
CUT TO:
INT. BROADFOOT BINGO HALL – DAY
SOME APPLAUSE and a COUPLE of SARCASTIC ONES.
INT. PINKY’S DEN – DAY
ELSIE looks at PINKY who looks at MID who looks at ELSIE who looks at INDEX.
ELSIE:Ready?
INDEX:Ready. Can someone watch my Mum?
INDEX stands in front of the camera.
INDEX (CONT’D):I’ve got a big treat for you today.
INDEX looks to ELSIE for re-assurance.
INDEX (CONT’D):A new comedian. Sorry about this Mister Harrington. My pal, Wedding Shakespeare.
WEDDING:What? Me? No way.
ELSIE wheels him over to the screen.
INT. BROADFOOT BINGO HALL – DAY
ALL EYES are on WEDDING. He’s looking like the proverbial rabbit caught in head lights.
No one can see the wheelchair.
The delay is getting a wee bit embarrassing.
COUGHS from the hall.
WEDDING looks off to the side then back to the camera.
WEDDING:My mother, god bless her didn’t tell me about all of this.
WEDDING looks off to both sides. What to do?
WHAT THE HELL – give it a shot.
WEDDING (CONT’D):When I was born, I was given a choice – A big dick or a good memory. I don’t remember, what I chose.
LAUGHTER.
A little easier.
WEDDING (CONT’D):I scared the postman today by going to the door
completely naked.I’m not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the
fact that I knew where he lived.
My mate died due to childhood obesity.
A fat kid ate him.
MORE LAUGHTER.
WEDDING (CONT’D):I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would
walk all over him.Watching rugby is a bit like watching Doctor Who. I
quite enjoy it but if I’m honest, I have absolutely no idea what’s going
on.
As a child there is nothing more embarrassing than your mum going topless on holiday.
I haven’t been back to Legoland since.
Paul McCartney’s finding it hard to adapt to his new wife.
When she asks for a foot rub he still keeps reaching for the sandpaper.
WEDDING is RIDING A WAVE.
INT. PINKY’S DEN – LATER
WEDDING is happy for the first time in months.
WEDDING:(to Elsie):Thanks.
ELSIE:It was a pleasure son, just to see you smile.
INDEX:Maybe you could show me how to tell a few jokes?
WEDDING smiles at him.
WEDDING:Sure.
THE HEALING’S STARTED but they’ve all got a long way to go.
TO BE CONTINUED……….
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