Friday, 24 October 2014

The Memory of Water

So if you’re sitting okay, then I’ll start – hell, even if you’re not ready, I’m gonna start anyways; so here goes.

You think of all those people who have strutted their stuff on this little rock we call Earth and all the times they’ve breathed – in and out – in and out – in and out. 

You see what I’m saying? ‘Cause I’m getting excited even if you ain’t – you open your mouth – oxygen goes in and a little oxygen (stop me if this is getting too technical and all) comes out with stuff, like carbon dioxide and water and things.

See, that wasn’t so bad.

And here is when I get to the tickly bit – people like Shakespeare, and Issac Newton, Einstein, and Charles Dickens all breathed – until they didn’t, if you see what I’m saying. But while they were doing their thing, then little drops of water with their DNA and stuff must still be floating around the atmosphere. Things they breathed and sneezed.

Doesn’t it make you want to pop? ‘Cause it does me. So you’re thinking to yourself, why in the name of psychotherapy has he come up with this cockamamie theory? (And if you ain’t, you should).

Because dear friends and readers, until last week my friend Eddie was just that, Eddie. Then while we were all out at the park, kicking around a ball, Eddie started to cough – said he had something stuck in his throat. I said it was probably his tongue, on account that Eddie was too stupid to make it work properly. Which isn’t really all that far from the truth.
When I’d slapped him on his back (probably more times than was good for him), he stopped coughing and then said:

“I honestly think that the Higgs Boson is a derivative idea and it will ultimately be found to not be the particle which is responsible for mass.”

I said, “What?” and I made him say it again, but this time I caught it on my phone, which is the reason I know what he said. I was going to put it on Youtube until he begged me, not once, but thrice (his words) not to be such a scallywag and do something so uncouth and of such a betrayal.

I was just surprised that people didn’t beat him up for talking the way he did.
Anyway, all the way home he explained the Theory of Relativity and its recent shortcomings. I just smiled ‘cause I hadn’t a clue what he was talking about. Now you’re thinking, that he probably had a brain thingy which ‘caused all this. ‘Cause some people waken up in a morning and suddenly start speaking in a different accent but this wasn’t that.

Apparently everything he said was kosher and really, really advanced.

His ma decided to take him to the doctor, who told her that he was sure her son was gifted and she said that was the first time anyone had said that. They usually said her son was ‘special’ (and not in a good way).

So she took him up to the university (I’m not kidding here) and the prof guy said that her son was a genius and he should start at his college as soon as he could.

However – come on, admit it, you knew there was going to be a ‘however’. On the way back to the station from the university , my pal, my friend, coughed up an awful lot of spit and got rid of it (if you know what I mean). When he’d finished, he looked up at us and said that he felt better and wondered if, when he was older, he could be a train driver. Now I’m not putting down train driving here, ‘cause I’m not, train driving isn’t easy – I’m just saying, but when I mentioned Higgs Boson to him, he looked at me for a moment and said:

“Oh yeh, that big kid who plays basketball.”


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