Whenever
Tommy was excited or stressed, which to be honest was most days, he’d
put the word ‘chuffing’ in front of everything. For instance, today was
going to be a blooming chuffing day with loads of chuffing hills to
cycle up and when we got to the ballyhoo top well we’d chuffing have a
pick nick.
You see what I mean?
Tommy
was a good egg, a decent sort who would lift a finger to help anyone, a
talented tennis player, cyclist and a very good footballer. On the
other side, he was a frightful drunk, which thank goodness had only been
that once, he was extremely competitive – he would bet you a farthing
on who would blink first and he was useless with money. Apart from that
he was the kind of gent you would be proud to call a friend.
So
come Saturday morning, Tommy and I would be on our chuffing bicycles,
out of the chuffing city and heading for the chuffing countryside (I
promise to limit the use of chuffing in future) and this Saturday was no
exception.
Tommy knocked at my door at 5.30 (in the morning may I say – I didn’t
even know there was a 5.30 in the morning, if truth be told) “Get up,
you chuffing wastrel” was the morning cry of the Tommesara Smitheratist
bird and it tended to waken everyone else up as well.
“Will
you please tell that very stupid friend of yours that it is far too
early in the morning for his buffoonery” said my rather grumpy father
without opening his eyes (apparently it helped him get back to sleep
quicker). Like Tommy, my father tended to hook in a word and then beat
it to death with its overuse. ‘Buffoon’ and ‘buffoonery’ were both in
the process of getting six shades of purple knocked out of them. Luckily
he hadn’t heard Tommy’s current obsession or that would have resulted
in me having to leave home and declaring myself an orphan.
“Apologies Holmes but we have the whole of the south east to explore and time is chuffing moving on.”
Every
since he’d read The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, I had received that
name. It was better just to smile and accept my fate because he might
come up with something far, far worse. On our cycling trips Tommy
wanted to be known as Moriarty because he said the name felt good on
his tongue. I know what you’re thinking, Tommy wasn’t the most
intelligent of my friends.
By
six o’clock in the morning we were happily cycling over the Thames and
heading down the Old Kent road where the world was waiting to
entertain Holmes and Moriarty.
“First stop, chuffing breakers” said my pal.
For those that don’t speak Tommyese, that meant breakfast must be had with all haste.
Toast,
crumpets and coffee were the order of the day at Mrs O’Reilly’s tea
room in Lewisham, a bargain at one shilling. Mrs O’Reilly had long since
departed this life and gone to the big tea room in the sky. The place
was actually run by a man with the name of Derek.
“’Mrs
O’Reilly’s’ sounds that bit more romantic” said a very tattooed Derek.
“People knows what to expect, with that name, but Derek’s Cafe, well
it just don’t sound right, do it?”
Both
I and Tommy left the premises agreeing that Derek was correct in what
he had said but that we should avoid the place in future as Derek
seemed to be two seagulls short of an aviary.
Although
it had been five months, Tommy still insisted that he wear a black
band on his right arm as a mark of respect for the old Queen. I told
him that this was a new and exciting time, that this was a new century ,
this was 1901, after all, and goodness knows what the next hundred
years would bring.
Tommy
felt that the new century could chuffing well wait until his mourning
was chuffing done. I know I promised to keep the use of ‘chuffing’ to a
minimum but it seems impossible when in the company of Tommy Smithers,
I will try harder – I promise.
Just
as we left Bromley, Tommy declared that the countryside had properly
started and although I tried very hard to see it, I was at a loss to
notice the difference. Still Tommy knows what he’s talking about or so
he tells me.
After
a mile or so I hinted that perhaps an ale might be the order of the
day. Tommy stopped so fast that I almost ran into the back of him.
“I have a plan” he said (actually he said ‘a chuffing plan’ but I thought I would spare you that nonsense).
“And your plan is what, Tommy?” that was my contribution to the discussion.
“I know of a little village in the Darenth Valley where the ale is like nectar.” Tommy was tasting the ale in his mind's eye.
“Why haven’t you told me of this place before?” I ask.
“Because my dear friend, it is not a place for the unwary.”
“Why is that Tommy?” I ask.
“Because
my fine fellow, it is a hot bed of liberalism and creativity. People
have really let things slide in this village. There are some women who
are so close to looking like men, that one might wish them ‘a good
morning sir’ without realising.”
“Well I never.” I declared.
“Worse
still..” Tommy looks around before whispering “..there are men in this
village who do not like the company of women. There I’ve said the
chuffing thing. It’s too late but it’s out in the big world for all to
know.”
“Don’t like the company of women?” I think I may have look perplexed.
“Really, you know what I mean, stop being an chuffing idiot. They don’t like women.”
So
I had to have my say and I mentioned “I don’t know any men who don’t
like women apart from Father who hasn’t spoken to Mother since she tried
to fry the porridge. That must be eleven years ago, now.”
“Your mother tried to fry porridge?” says Tommy.
“She
did, and Father said that any woman who was stupid enough to try and
fry porridge shouldn’t expect any conversation to be thrown her way in
future and that was that. He never said a bally word to her again. He
said she was an imbecile, a harsh word I grant you, but I think that was
his word of the week at that particular time.”
I
expected Tommy to be impressed with this story but instead he said
that I should stop talking chuffing rot and stop acting like an
imbecile.
That is why, by the time we got to the little village, Tommy had
dropped the word ‘chuffing’ in favour of the word ‘imbecile’. Why hadn’t
I said that my father had called my mother ‘lovable’ or had given her
money to shut her up? Maybe then Tommy would have done the same.
“Hey, ho, oft we go” shouted Tommy, adding “you imbecile.”
I do rather make things difficult for myself when I don’t bally mean to.
The
village clock was striking one o’clock as we freewheeled our way down
the hill into the centre of this dastardly liberal little village. I
had to be honest with Tommy and tell him that I thought the people
looked jolly normal.
“Nonsense, you imbecile” was his reply.
We
parked up outside a delightful little public house called The Crown.
The door was at an angle to the building and led into a small bar for
gentlemen.
“Just in case this pub is over run by liberals let me do the talking” said reliable Tommy, “just to be on the safe side.”
Now
to me, the person serving behind the bar was clearly a man but Tommy
insisted on calling him ‘Mam’ then winking to me in a very obvious
manner followed by him touching the side of his nose with his finger.
“I
didn’t want to drink in the place anyway” said a rather surprised
Tommy, “the establishment looked totally unsavoury. We are well shot of
it.”At least the barman only asked me to leave whereas he caught Tommy
by the collar and threw him out of the door.
Tommy
said that he was right about the place all along, it was a den of
liberal minded imbeciles and he would be writing to his Member of
Parliament just as soon as he returned from the country.
We
tried to gain access at the next pub, the Two Brewers but apparently
Tommy had been there before and was no longer welcome. I didn’t realise
that you could use so many cursing words in one sentence but the
manager of The Two Brewers must have broken a record.
“Another den of imbeciles?” I asked.
“Just so.”
That
is why we came to be sitting outside the Kings Arms drinking two of
the most wonderful glasses of ale. Apparently this was not a den of
imbeciles and the prices were exceedingly fair.
Having
slaked our thirst we mounted our trusted bicycles and headed towards
the large town which sat at the top of the hill, above the village.
About
one third of the way up the hill, Tommy suggested that we dismount and
push our bicycles up the rest of the way. Apparently it didn’t do the
bicycles much good to be treated to a hill in the manner we were riding
them. To be honest I thought maybe Tommy found the hill a little too
steep but in fear of being called an imbecile, I refrained.
The climb was worth the effort and the view over the North Downs was spell binding.
Why
people steal bicycles is beyond me, and two of them at the same time.
You have to ask yourself - was the thief a member of some circus
troupe? However the dasterdly deed was done and it meant that cycling
back to London was now out of the question. A train was called for and a
train it would be.
Tommy
suggested that we travel back by First Class and that I should foot
the bill seeing as I was the last one to see the bally bicycles. I
actually think the last time I saw them, I said “Tommy, do you think
the bicycles are safe by that public house? ” Whereupon Tommy called me
an imbecile and told me in no uncertain terms that if I was worried
about people stealing our property, well that sort of thing just didn’t
happen in the countryside. Then he said “Grow up man.” The next time I
looked the bicycles were gone.
In
the railway carriage, on the way back to the city, a rather plump man
and his rather plump wife were playing cards. The husband seemed to
have won a round as he let out the most frightening cry of ‘Ballyhoo’.
I could see the glimmer in Tommy’s eyes as he tried the word ‘Ballyhoo’ out on his tongue.
The word was not found wanting.
Unfortunately.
bs2014
