Episode 1 : A Bus Full of Mud Going to Inveraray
BLACK SCREEN
SOUND of an 8mm CINE PROJECTOR starting up.
FADE IN:
A home movie plays on an old white sheet.
A BOY (6) and GIRL (4) are having fun on a sunny beach. The MAN (40s) recording it all, turns the camera around to film himself; he has his other arm around a WOMAN (20s). They both wave to the camera, then back to the kids.
TITLES/CREDITS
The kids are building a sand castle. A sign on the beach states ‘By Order Of Loankirk Council’. The style of the PEOPLE on the beach suggests that this is late 1970s or early 1980s.
The young girl kisses the boy on his cheek. Without looking, he wipes his cheek and continues with the castle.
The film scratched,CRACKLES and runs out.
BLACK SCREEN
HEAVY BREATHING.
FADE IN:
EXT. FOOTBALL GROUND - NIGHT
A man GASPING for air and a HEART BEATING.
ANDY SHERBET (29). His face is dripping sweat. He’s bent over, dead beat and hands on legs.
One deep breath, then Andy forces himself to stand up. There are floodlights bleeding into, and blinding, his vision.
The NOISE OF THE CROWD.
This is the middle of football pitch but more importantly it’s the middle of a football match.
The signs at the side say “WELCOME TO THE DEN. HOME OF MILLWALL”.
The MATCH REFEREE just stands bewildered. Andy continues chasing a TEENAGER across the park. There are CHEERS and JEERS from the MOB watching.
He’s just about to catch the young kid when ONE OF THE FOOTBALL PLAYERS trips Andy up. The football player holds his hands up with that ‘not me guv’ look. Andy ends up flat on his back blinded by the floodlights.
The kid being chased dives up on to a wall. His mistake is to smile back at Andy and give him the finger. Andy gets up, and kicks the match ball right at the kid’s head. WALLOP! The kid falls off the wall and over the other side. Andy runs for the wall, climbs up using a rubbish bin and slides over. Not as impressive as the kid’s attempt, but hey...
EXT. OUTSIDE FOOTBALL GROUND - CONTINUOUS
The teenager dives and weaves through the strays gathered outside.
Andy almost catches up with him, when the kid grabs a guy who’s having a quiet pee against a wall and aims him at Andy.
The teenager is backed into a corner and pulls out a knife.
Andy kicks the knife from the boy’s hand , twists the boy’s arm up his back and slams his face against the wall.
INT. FOOTBALL GROUND. OFFICE - NIGHT
Andy’s signing a form to hand the kid over to CID. The kid is hand cuffed to a chair. Andy ruffles the kid’s hair.
ANDY
Now you, be a good wee boy.
TEENAGER
Fu.....
Andy pushes his hand over the kid’s mouth.
ANDY
Ah,ah,ah.
Through the glass window Andy spots the footballer who tripped him up. He’s dressed and leaving the ground. He spots Andy and says something to his MATES. They laugh.
Andy storms into the corridor.
INT. FOOTBALL GROUND. CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS
FOOTBALLER
No hard feelings back there. I didn’t see you mate.
Andy hesitates, narrows his eyes, then smiles.
ANDY
Can I get your autograph? For my nephew, mate.
FOOTBALLER
Yeh, I’ve got some photos in the car.
The footballer winks to his pals as the move off in another direction.
FOOTBALLER (CONT’D)
See you later guys.
EXT. FOOTBALL GROUND. CAR - CONTINUOUS
The footballer presses his keys and the lights flash on a very expensive car. He opens the door and picks up a photo.
FOOTBALLER
Who’s it to?
As the footballer is coming back out of the car, Andy kicks him one in the nuts. The footballer collapses on the ground, moaning.
Andy starts to walk away.
ANDY
I love this job.
EXT. TAXI RANK - DAY.
CAPTION: “LOANKIRK - WEST COAST OF SCOTLAND”
The taxi rank is across from one of the discount stores. Standing outside the store is a WEEDY MAN (40s). He is surreptitiously taking photos of the taxi drivers.
An OLD WOMAN, pulling one of those shopping trollies, stops and stares at him. Her presence starts to annoy the man.
MAN WITH CAMERA
Beat it.
The old woman doesn’t move.
MAN WITH CAMERA (CONT’D)
Hey, what have I told you hairy face? Beat it.
The old woman hits him with her umbrella and walks on. The weedy man shakes his head and continues taking photos.
Every DRIVER in the taxi rank is wearing a balaclava and sun glasses to stop identification.
As one taxi moves off the rank , the DRIVER with a balaclava and ski goggles on, gives the weedy man the V sign.
DRIVER
Get it up you, you Social Security scum.
It doesn’t stop the weedy man taking photos.
WEEDY MAN
(under his breath)
What do you call a Loankirk man with apparent back problems and claiming unemployment? A bleeding taxi driver.
INT. POLICE STATION. CORRIDOR - DAY.
Through the office window Andy is getting a bawling out from his boss, STEPHEN MILLER (30s).
Outside the corridor CALUM (20s) is pacing the corridor.
STEPHEN (O.C.)
Remind me again.
INT. STEPHEN MILLER’S OFFICE - DAY
Andy is sitting sheepishly at a desk. His boss who doesn’t look that much older but he is a lot more bad
tempered.
STEPHEN
Go on, amuse me.
ANDY
Undercover.
STEPHEN
Sorry, I never quite heard that.
ANDY
Undercover, Guv.
As Andy’s boss chews him up, on the computer screen is a replay of the TV coverage of Andy giving chase across the football park.
STEPHEN
Let me get this straight. You work undercover. So how come you chased that bastard across that pitch in front of several thousand telly viewers? Not to mention being the star of YOUTUBE. You should have let uniform deal with him, you pillock.
ANDY
Sorry Guv.
STEPHEN
(referring to screen)
You’re lucky that your mother wouldn’t recognise you from that.
ANDY
She’s dead, Guv.
STEPHEN
I don’t blame her.
Stephen waves to Calum to come in.
Not totally confident, Calum has a quick cough, knocks the door then enters.
STEPHEN (CONT’D)
Andy...Calum. I’ll let him explain what he’s doing here.
Andy and Calum shake.
CALUM
D.C. Calum McLafferty
Calum hands Andy his card.
ANDY
(reading from card)
Scottish Crime and Drug Enforcement Agency. Things have got fancy since I left.
CALUM
We’ve promised to detect and dismantle all organised crime in Scotland.
ANDY
Big promise....wait a minute, I’m flattered and all but...
STEPHEN
It’s been approved and before you get your knickers in a twist, it’s only temporary....AND before you say it, it’s got nothing to do with last night.
ANDY (V.O.)
Three weeks, honey. Four weeks tops.
INT. ANDY’S FLAT. BATHROOM - MORNING
A view from under the bath water. A MUFFLED FEMALE VOICE.
Andy emerges from under the water. Standing next to the bath is MARRIANE (20) , a dark skinned Parisian babe wearing a very sexy nightie. She’s holding a toaster as if she is going to drop it in.
Andy wipes the drips from his eyes.
ANDY
It’s not my fault.
MARRIANE
Why can’t you have a job which is normal?
Andy gets out of the bath and sticks a towel around himself.
ANDY
(referring to the toaster)
If that was to be a threat my little chou-chou you would have had to have plugged it in.
Marriane is in a Parisian bad mood. She follows Andy out of the bathroom, still carrying the toaster.
INT. ANDY’S FLAT. BEDROOM - MORNING
Marriane sits on the edge of the bed. Andy is almost dressed, he chooses a tie but Marriane shakes her head. He picks a more expensive tie. She nods.
ANDY
We’re talking three, maybe four weeks.
MARRIANE
The last time you said that you were disappeared from me. I didn’t see you for months.
Andy picks up a sports bag and heads out of the room.
INT. ANDY’S FLAT. STAIRS - MORNING
SMASH!
A plate has just whizzed past Andy’s head and smashed against the wall. Andy covers himself.
MARRIANE
It is always the same. You Scottish.........
ANDY
Say it babe, you’ll feel better.
Andy goes to the bottom of the stairs.
Armed with another plate she walks down to Andy.
MARRIANE
I cannot say such words aloud, you Scottish.....
Marriane whispers into Andy’s ear, seductively.
ANDY
Naughty words.
MARRIANE
I want a baby. You know I want a baby. I need a baby. How can I have a baby if you will not
(bad Scottish accent)
“do the business”?
ANDY
Marriane, it’s my job.
MARRIANE
Who are you, Jay-mess Bond? Tu aimes merde.
CAR HORN.
Andy attempts to kiss Marriane but she’s not having it.
ANDY
In the words of the great Leonard Cohen - ‘So long Marriane’.
He’s just about to grab the front door handle when a plate just misses him and smashes the glass door.
Andy indicates to Calum, through the broken glass, that he’s just coming. Calum waves back.
EXT. STREET - DAY
Andy hurries out the front door. He chucks his bag in the back of Calum’s car and gets in the front.
Marriane is standing in a very short nightie on the door step. Calum indicates his approval to Andy, then regrets it.
MARRIANE
(at the top of her voice)
I want a baby. I want a baby. I want a baby.
An OLD MAN walking a dog stops as Calum’s car drives off. The old man winks at her.
Marriane shows her disdain and re-enters the house.
CALUM’S CAR BURNING UP THE MOTORWAY
EXT. SERVICE STATION - DAY
Calum and Andy sitting at a table eating motorway sandwiches and mucky coffee. An attractive little place for a service stop. The boys have picked the furthest table away from any prying ears.
A black and white photo of a large rough man and woman taken from a distance.
CALUM (O.C.)
“Cappielow Jada” a.k.a. Jada McKelvie.
Andy picks the photo up.
CALUM (CONT’D)
From Greenock, but he and his family run everything that moves in Lonekirk.
Andy smiles.
CALUM (CONT’D)
Something funny?
ANDY
I used to go there for a fortnight every summer as a kid. Spent the whole two weeks on the beach. There’s only 17 miles between Greenock and Loankirk but I thought it was the other side of the world.
CALUM
From what I hear the place is picking up again and that doesn’t do Jada McKelvie’s businesses any harm. Taxis, pubs, odd job men , you name it.
ANDY
A bit low key for all this interest.
CALUM
Loankirk is only a hobby to him, he’s getting the real money from somewhere else. We need to know what and where.
ANDY
Who’s the woman?
CALUM
His missus. Getting on a bit. When he was in danger of getting sent down for an insurance job, she took the blame. She was over forty at the time when she went in but still managed to get pregnant on one of his conjugal visits.
ANDY
Morton supporter and still managed to score - now that’s a miracle.
INT. ALEX’S HOUSE. FRONT DOOR - MORNING
DOOR BELL.
Door opens to Andy. ALEX, Andy’s big wee brother, early 20s, hugs him.
ALEX
Andy Pandy. Long time. Gimme your bag.
Alex wanders into the flat with the bag.
INT. ALEX’S HOUSE. LOUNGE - CONTINUOUS
Alex enters, followed by Andy. Alex throws the bag in the corner.
ALEX
Sit yer bum down, big bruv. Beer?
ANDY
No Ta, a bit early Al.
ALEX
I thought you said you were up for a hol-i-day. Relax - it’s never too early.
ANDY
How’s Da?
ALEX
I was up this morning. I told him you were coming. I’m thinking the two of us could take him up the cemetery to see Maw.
Alex clears a load of electronics off the table. Andy picks up one of the many CD covers and reads it.
ANDY
“Subliminally Yours”. “Stop smoking with the latest in subliminal technology”.
ALEX
It’s a new line, I’m trying. You’re staying with me, no arguments. How long are you up for?
ANDY
A week, a month, I’ll see.
ALEX
The police let you go that long?
ANDY
It would seem.
ALEX
Haud on ‘till I get myself a beer. Coke?
ANDY
Ta.
Alex goes into the fridge and takes out a couple of cans.
ANDY (O.C.) (CONT’D)
How’s the band doing?
ALEX
We’re playing the Edinburgh Festival. Annie decided to change the band name to ‘Straight Men Kissing’.
Alex hands a cola can to Andy.
ALEX (CONT’D)
How’s the French totty doing? Christ she’s hot.
ANDY
So what’s the subliminal CDs all about?
ALEX
Ah. She’s still “wanting a baybee”?
Alex gets up and puts on the ‘Stop Smoking’ CD. It is just a load of WHITE NOISE.
ANDY
That helps you stop smoking?
ALEX
It’s supposed to have a wee voice in amongst all the noise that tells you to (ghostly voice) ‘pack in the devil weed’.
ANDY
What do you mean ‘meant to’?
ALEX
There’s nothing on it. I record some crap off the radio.
ANDY
No one asks for their money back?
ALEX
Who says it doesn’t work? If they think it’s helping, who am I to put them right?
ANDY
Is that not illegal?
ALEX
Don’t care Bruv. Cheers.
EXT. TAXI RANK - DAY]
Andy jumps into the one taxi that is on the rank.
INT. TAXI - DAY
The DRIVER is doing a crossword while leaning the paper on his steering wheel and he’s wearing a balaclava.
DRIVER
Where to big man?
Andy stares at the head gear.
DRIVER (CONT’D)
Oh this - it’s the battle of Balaclava with heid-the-ball over there.
The man with the camera is still taking photos.
KNOCK on driver’s window. A BOY of about 10 stands outside.
DRIVER (CONT’D)
A wee sec, if you don’ mind.
The window is would down.
DRIVER (CONT’D)
Did you get them?
The boy takes CDs out from under his coat.
BOY
Two One Directions and three Abba.
The driver hands the boy money.
DRIVER
Cheers wee man.
The driver winds the window up.
DRIVER (CONT’D)
Early Christmas presents. The street urchins rob the store to order. Whatever you want , they can get. You’re no’ a cop?
ANDY
I want a job.
DRIVER
Don’t we all mate.
ANDY
Taxi driving.
DRIVER
Done it before?
ANDY
No, but I’m willing to learn.
DRIVER
You don’t look mental. Tell you what, I’ll take you to see The Referee. That’s the taxi boss. I’m not doing it for nothing mind, I’ll put the clock on.
ANDY
Fair enough.
The taxi pulls away.
EXT. LOANKIRK FOOTBALL GROUNDS - DAY
There is a FOOTBALL MATCH going on, watched by SEVERAL SPECTATORS.
One of them is ALESHIA MCKELVIE (27) - she is dressed in a tracksuit and barking orders to the players.
Andy’s taxi stops. Aleshia turns for a second and waves to the taxi driver.
INT. TAXI - CONTINUOUS
The driver has taken his balaclava off. He’s about 50 and world weary.
DRIVER
That’s oor Aleshia. Lovely lassie.
Andy shrugs with noncommittal approval. Her name seems to have made an impact on him.
The driver waves back to Aleshia as if she’s twelve years old.
The football play stops as TWO OPPOSING PLAYERS get into an argument. A CAR HORN sounds twice.
DRIVER (CONT’D)
Oh, it’s a booking.
The player that has been booked goes over to the car that sounded the horn. He demonstrates with the man in the car. The player walks back to the game, dejected.
The CAR HORN sounds three times and the game starts again.
DRIVER (CONT’D)
That’s who you want, the wee man in the car. That’s The Referee.
Andy hands some money to the driver and gets out the taxi.
DRIVER (CONT’D)
Your change.
ANDY
Keep it.
DRIVER
Cheers, pal.
Andy walks towards the football match.
EXT. FOOTBALL GROUND - CONTINUOUS
Aleshia looks at her watch.
ALESHIA
Come on, there’s still five minutes.
Andy stands next to Aleshia but not too close.
A bad tackle on the pitch and both Aleshia and Andy wince.
The CAR HORN sounds twice.
ANDY
Another booking?
ALESHIA
Sorry?
ANDY
I said that’s another booking.
Aleshia narrows her eyes as she takes in Andy.
ALESHIA
Sorry, have we met?
ANDY
Don’t think so.
Andy walks off towards the Referee, Aleshia has one more look before her attention is taken by the tackled player. She runs over to him.
INT. REFEREE’S CAR - CONTINUOUS
The REFEREE (60s) is making notes into his ref’s notebook. Andy bangs his window.
REFEREE
What?
Andy indicates he winds the window down. The referee points to the match as if that explains it all.
ANDY
I want to talk.
Exasperated, the referee notices the booked player coming over to the taxi.
The ref opens the passenger door.
REFEREE
Get in - quick.
Andy jumps in.
REFEREE (CONT’D)
Lock your door.
ANDY
What?
REFEREE
Just do it, before he rips my head off.
The car is secure. The FOOTBALL PLAYER comes right up to the car window.
FOOTBALLER
So? Am I booked or what?
The referee puts his face right up against the side window.
REFEREE
Aye!
The footballer thumps the window, bashing The Referee’s nose.
REFEREE (CONT’D)
My nose.
The footballer walks off, stops , returns and rips off a side mirror from the taxi. He throws it into the bushes. He walks back to the pitch.
ANDY
You okay?
REFEREE
Nis is nuffing. I’ve had my fingers broken.
ANDY
Why do you do it?
REFEREE
Believe it or not, I love it. I’ll show you, I indicate left or right , depending on the way the team are playing. It’s a lot safer this way.
The Referee demonstrates proudly to Andy using the car indicator.
ANDY
Nice.
The referee looks at the clock on the dashboard.
REFEREE
That’s the end of that.
The referee sounds the CAR HORN, four times. The PLAYERS walk off the pitch. Two of them start punching one and other.
The Referee winds down his window and sticks his head out.
REFEREE (CONT’D)
Animals. Bloody, animals.
When it look like a couple of the players are coming over to the car, he quickly winds the window up.
REFEREE (CONT’D)
Anyway we’ll let all this die down. So, can I help you?
The pitch battles continues in the background.
ANDY (V.O.)
I need a job...
EXT. CARE HOME - DAY
ANDY (V.O.)
..as a cab driver.
Andy stands outside a not bad looking care home. He hesitates, takes a deep breath and walks up the drive way.
INT. CARE HOME - DAY
The same home movie that played at the very start.
A man LAUGHS which develops into a BRONCHIAL COUGH.
ALEX (V.O.)
You all right Dad?
Coughing is STAN (65) - he looks older.
STAN (V.O.)
Aye, fine. Wasn’t she a smasher, your mother?
Andy enters the room.
ANDY
You still watching that?
STAN
Andrew?
ANDY
Who else.
Andy stands between the projector and the white sheet on the wall, used as a screen. The film (the little boy and girl on the beach)is projected on to Andy’s face.
STAN
Alex switch the projector off, there’s a pal.
Stan opens the curtains to his room. Stan is in a wheelchair. This room is not quite a hospital and not quite a flat. It’s got enough of Stan’s bits and bobs to make it feel like home.
STAN (CONT’D)
God, you’re looking great. Is he not looking great Alexander?
ALEX
I’ll get the teas.
Alex looks at the prodigal son, shakes his head and exits.
Stan doesn’t take his eyes off of Andy.
STAN
You do that son. He’s still a good boy even if he is a bit of a bampot. Sit, sit down. What are you doing here? Are you chasing some crook?
Andy feels uncomfortable talking like this. He sits on the bed.
STAN (CONT’D)
(whispering)
Received and understood. My Lips are sealed, Andrew.
(normal voice)
So you’ve come up the road to see yer wee Dad?
ANDY
I have,Dad.
STAN
How’s Marriane? Still trying to get pregnant?
ANDY
You know her.
STAN
She’s a cracker, son. I wouldn’t mind something like that, myself.
ANDY
Dad.
STAN
Too much information?
Andy leans over and picks up a framed photo. It’s Alex,Andy,Stan and their Mum. He shows the photo to his Dad.
STAN (CONT’D)
Not a day goes by, son. Not a day goes by.
EXT. CARE HOME. GARDEN - DAY
Andy, Alex and Stan are out in the garden.
Alex is rolling a cigarette.
Stan is looks around at the SEVERAL OTHER RESIDENTS sitting either with family, but most are alone.
STAN
What’s the point of a long life? This is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?
Alex has finished rolling his cigarette and is about to put it in his mouth. Stan pulls it from him.
STAN (CONT’D)
May as well enjoy myself. Talking about smoking Alexander. Remember that CD you sold wee Shug in the next room? He says it hasn’t helped.
Andy gives Alex, a look.
ALEX
I’ll give him his money back.
STAN
No need son, he got his flower pot on top of it. Stops it staining the table, his Rita got him.
Aleshia exits the Care Home. She waves up at a window.
Stan wolf whistles.
ALESHIA
How are you Mister S. ?
STAN
If I was any better hen, I’d eat myself. How’s your Mum?
ALESHIA
Didn’t know me today.
STAN
You remember my other son, Andrew?
ALESHIA
We’ve met.
STAN
Of course you’ve met. Me and the boy were just watching you two on that old film of mine.
ALESHIA
He’s the boy I kissed?
ANDY
Of course - ‘Ally’.
ALESHIA
(to Andy)
You remember you bought me a ring from the Tuck Shop?
ANDY
Did I?
ALESHIA
Better get going, my family’s expecting me to start the dinner. Nice meeting you, Andrew.
Aleshia walks off.
STAN
You had a narrow escape there son.
ANDY
What do you mean?
STAN
That’s that bastard, Jada McKelvie’s lassie.
Andy watches her leave - ‘Ally’ just got a lot more interesting.
INT. JADA’S HOUSE. BASEMENT - EVENING
ARCHIE (25) is a thug, as is his mate BENDY. You can just tell the two of them were the school bullies.
BENDY has a full set of ten-pin skittles. He’s setting them up on the floor as you would in a bowling alley.
BENDY
Nearly there.
MUFFLED CRY.
ARCHIE (O.C.)
Shut it you or you’ll get it harder.
Bendy stands up and admires his handy work.
BENDY
Ready, Archie.
Archie is holding A MAN who is suspended upside down from the roof. His ankles are tied and his legs and arms are taped up.
The man is struggling.
BENDY (CONT’D)
Chocs away, Archie.
ARCHIE
Chocs away it is, Bendy Boy.
As Archie pulls the man further and further back ,the man looks more and more scared.
Archie lets him go. He swings back the other way, his head only a few inches from the floor. Then the man’s face smashes into the skittles.
They are knocked down, except for two.
BENDY
Two-seven split, Arch.
Archie catches the unfortunate man as he swings back the other way.
BENDY (CONT’D)
Tricky one.
ARCHIE
I hear you, Bendy Boy.
The man swings again and hits only one pin. Bendy goes right up to Archie’s face.
BENDY
‘No spare - I don’t care’. In
Bendy catches the man. Archie goes to set the pins up.
JADA MCKELVIE has entered the building. Archie and Bendy stop what they’re doing immediately; they are almost standing to attention.
JADA
Taught him a lesson yet?
ARCHIE
Getting there, boss.
JADA
I don’t think he like ten-pin bowling.
Jada lifts the man by the hair and bends down to look at him.
JADA (CONT’D)
I think he might be a cricket fan.
(to the Boys)
Lift his up a bit.
Archie pulls the rope up, that’s tied around the man’s ankles and up over a pulley. The man’s head is at waist height.
JADA (CONT’D)
Tie it off Archie.
Archie ties off the rope to the wall.
Jada lets the man’s hair go and goes over to the corner to fetch a cricket bat.
JADA (CONT’D)
You boys go up. I only came down to tell you the tea’s on the table.
BENDY
Right boss.
The boys go off smirking.
Jada turns on a CD player. VERY LOUD MUSIC.
Jada messes about with the bat as if he’s defending a wicket at the Oval. As the MUSIC reaches a CRESCENDO, he runs up to the man and ....
CUT TO:
INT. JADA’S HOUSE. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
A huge DOG jumps up and fills the screen.
The dog salivates all over Bendy.
BENDY
Down boy.
ALESHIA (O.S.)
Mad-dog! Get in here.
The dog runs into the kitchen; this thing is a small horse.
INT. JADA’S HOUSE. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Mad-dog runs over to a bowl of food, newly placed on the floor by Aleshia.
A large wooden table is set for six places (there is a photo of Jada’s wife at one of the places). The kitchen has MUSIC - just enough to drown out the noise from the basement.
Bendy and Archie sit at the table; they’re almost family.
Aleshia places a large casserole pot on the table - it’s all a help yourself affair.
ALESHIA
Is Dad coming up?
ARCHIE
He’s just hitting a few googlies.
BENDY
Nice one.
Aleshia retrieves a large stick from the cupboard and thumps the floor several times.
INT. JADA’S HOUSE. KITCHEN - LATER
Bendy and Archie have left the room. Aleshia is cleaning the table, washing the dishes. Jada is watching the news.
Aleshia pats Mad-dog, who’s restless.
ALESHIA
I’ll take you for a walk now baby. Give me five minutes.
DOOR BELL RINGS.
Aleshia looks at Jada, who, as usual, is ignoring her. She dries her hands and quickly gives her hair a tidy.
INT. JADA’S HOUSE. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Door opens. Standing on the other side is Andy.
ALESHIA
You.
ANDY
Me.
ALESHIA
Come in. I just about to take Mad-dog for a walk if you’re interested.
ANDY
No. I mean, yes, I’m interested but I’m here to see your Dad.
For an encounter that doesn’t mean that much to Aleshia,she looks a bit hurt.
ALESHIA
Sure...sorry....of course. He’s in the kitchen.
INT. JADA’S HOUSE. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Jada is still watching the TV. Aleshia enters.
JADA
This dog’s desperate for a walk.
ALESHIA
We’ve got company, Dad.
JADA
Not when the news is on. Tell them to wait.
Aleshia coughs. Jada turns in his seat to see that Andy is standing in the kitchen.
ALESHIA
This is...Andrew?
ANDY
Andy’s fine.
ALESHIA
He’s Mister Sherbet’s son.
Jada changes. He stands.
JADA
Stan the Man’s wee boy. Why didn’t you say? Come with me. Aleshia - Dog.
ALESHIA
I’m on it.
Aleshia puts a leash on Mad-dog as Jada puts his arm around Andy like a long lost son. He guides him through to the lounge.
INT. JADA’S HOUSE. LOUNGE - CONTINUOUS
Plush TV, carpets, sofa - in a word plush. Although the taste is a bit questionable. Jada opens one of those Globe of the World cocktail bars. He pours himself a whisky.
JADA
What’s your poison, Andy?
ANDY
I don’t drink.
JADA
I tend to think there’s “something of the night” about a man who doesn’t drink. Like a Church Of Scotland minister who keeps dirty books under his bed. So you’ve got two choices Stan’s wee boy, you can have a drink or you can leave my house.
ANDY
Whisky’s fine.
JADA
Good boy.
Jada hands a glass to Andy , then sits. Jada points to an original painting over the fireplace.
JADA (CONT’D)
You like?
ANDY
Peter Howson?
JADA
Spot on. Spot on.
Although Jada’s sociable, there’s a touch of a psychopath always lurking in the bushes of his mind. He stares icily at Andy.
JADA (CONT’D)
I thought one of Stan’s boy’s joined the Met? Was that you or your brother?
ANDY
Me.
An awkward silence as Jada caresses the cold glass against his cheek.
JADA
Did you know that in 1800 there was a Glasgow Police Act, thirty years before Robert Peel started up in London?
ANDY
I didn’t.
JADA
We were always a head of the game up here. We had to be. Even as early as 1789 there was a force of eight constables for the city. So nothing gets past us Glaswegians. Do you like London?
ANDY
Suppose......
JADA
Can’t stand the place myself. Londoners are all up their own backsides. So you’re Stan’s boy. The police boy. Strange thing is, The Referee was telling me you were asking about a job today. You want to drive one of my cabs.
ANDY
I do.
JADA
The Met doesn’t pay enough?
ANDY
I don’t work for the Met, any more.
JADA
And?
ANDY
That’s it.
More whisky glass against Jada’s cheek - it helps him think.
JADA
Your Dad’s a good man. Me and him used to Snowdrop together when we were kids.
ANDY
Snowdrop?
JADA
Steal washing off a line. Then sell it on. We were about eight. One night we were caught red-handed by old Samuel. He threatened to beat us with a huge great stick. Your old man said it was him and he took the beating for the two of us. I always remember that. Always will.
Jada stands to pour another drink.
JADA (CONT’D)
I’m going to give you a chance Andy. But trust me, I will be checking your references. Now I think it’s time you went. Report to the Referee in the morning, he’ll get you a cab.
Andy stands.
INT. JADA’S HOUSE. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Jada opens the door for Andy.
JADA
Tell me Andy, do you play Ten-pin bowling?
ANDY
No.
JADA
Let’s keep it that way.
Andy walks out the door. He reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out his mobile ‘phone.
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
Andy dials a number.
ANDY
It’s me, Calum. I need to you to set something up.
INT. ALEX’S HOUSE. LOUNGE - NIGHT
Alex and Andy on the sofa, shoes off, legs on the table. They’re brothers and comfortable with each other. There’s footie on the Telly - some geezers are discussing a game.
Their own table is littered with empty pizza boxes and crisp packets.
Alex lifts a cold beer and a Coke from a bucket of water next to the sofa. It probably was ice at some point. He hands a can to Andy.
ALEX
3 , 2, 1.
Both brothers throw their empty cans over their shoulders. They’re probably a little drunk.
ALEX (CONT’D)
Here’s to my brother, the taxi driver.
ANDY
Cheers bruv.
Alex looks a couple of times, Andy isn’t paying any attention.
ALEX
I’m taking my can to my bed, brother dearest. I have a big day tomorrow. I am launching my latest CD.
Alex feels about at the side of the sofa.
Alex hands the CD to Andy.
ANDY
“Lose weight with the latest in subliminal technology”.
Andy slaps the CD back on to Alex chest.
ANDY (CONT’D)
You’re going to have a queue of fat folk trying to break down that door.
ALEX
Remember my band are playing down in Loankirk tomorrow night?
ANDY
I’ll be there. Promise.
Alex stumbles out the door.
Andy takes his mobile out. He dials a number.
INT. ANDY’S FLAT - NIGHT
Marriane sits staring at a ringing ‘phone. The answer-phone kicks in.
ANDY (V.O.)
Pick up, Marriane please. I miss you. I love you. It’s funny being home, it’s like I’m twelve again. I always think that I’m just me, but when I get here it’s like....
Marriane goes to pick up.
ANDY (V.O.) (CONT’D)
I know you’re there. You’re probably just about to pick up the ‘phone. Do it.
Marriane sits back.
ANDY (CONT’D)
If you need me and you can’t get me on the mobile, I’m staying at Alex’s place. I’m sorry I left you angry.
Marriane is annoyed and talking to herself in French. She shrugs her gallic shoulders.
She gets up turns the hall light off and goes into her room.
In the darkness, Andy is still on the answer-phone singing Cohen’s “So long, Marriane” - very badly.
EXT. STREET - DAY
Jada’s car driven by Archie, pulls up outside a typical run down Loankirk bar.
Bendy jumps out and has a quick look around. He nods to Jada who then exits the car and heads straight into his pub.
The pub’s name is “YER INN”.
Bendy and Archie follow him in.
INT. “YER INN” BAR - DAY
If this pub wasn’t in Star Wars then it should have been. It’s populated with every alien life force in the West Coast.
JADA
Morning Children.
EVERYONE makes a point of greeting Jada.
ESTHER, (43) and still pretty, is one of Jada’s favourites. He throws his arms around her and give her a big kiss.
Esther takes a cloth from her belt and gives the table a wipe.
ESTHER
Are you out here or in the office Mister McKelvie?
JADA
Why Esther my love, I think I’ll sit out here with the scruff. Sit boys.
Jada, Archie and Bendy sit at the main table. TESCO (37) and FAT TED (51) get up from the next table, turn their chairs around and join Jada.
Esther brings a pot of coffee over to the table. There are clean coffee cups upside down on the table. Esther turns one over and pours the coffee.
JADA (CONT’D)
Archie, Bendy meet Tesco and Fat Ted.
BENDY
Tesco?
JADA
He gets shopped that often.
ESTHER
Any breakfast Mister McKelvie?
JADA
I could just eat you.
Esther gives him a bashful pat.
ESTHER
You know I like the ladies.
JADA
So do I , hen, so do I.
I’ll let you know about the breakfast later.
Jada puts a five pound note into her hand and pats her bum.
JADA (CONT’D)
She cheers me up. How come none of you can?
So what have we got? Fat Ted?
FAT TED
The gear is coming into Spain on the nights of the 3rd, 4th and 5th.
JADA
I take it the coast is going to be clear?
FAT TED
The cops will tell us when they’re about, we have about a ninety minute window each night.
JADA
How are we going to get the money over to them, Tesco?
TESCO
We’ve got four pairs of couriers. They look like man and wife stuff. A hundred thousand euros in each bag. If they’re stopped , it’ll be “sorry, I didn’t realise we couldn’t take that kind of money”.
JADA
What’s wrong with Scottish money?
TESCO
The Moroccans told me to shove it up my Scottish arse.
JADA
When did they get touchy?
TESCO
When they read about RBS and HBOS.
(bad Moroccan accent)
“You Scottish banks people. You crap”.
JADA
Ungrateful wee bastards. Now then Fat Ted, how do we get the gear safely back up the road to Loankirk?
FAT TED
Well there’s good news and there’s bad news.
JADA
Go on.
FAT TED
I think we can ship it back by bus.
JADA
Think?
FAT TED
I know we can.
JADA
You mean like the Glasgow boys did, ten, fifteen years ago?
FAT TED
That’s the good news. The bad news is that the cops are wise to the routine.
ARCHIE
What routine?
JADA
You enlighten the boy, Fat Ted.
FAT TED
A Glasgow mob used to run buses to French and Spanish resorts. They’d take the folks with their kids for really cheap rates. They said they were subsidised by a benevolent entrepreneur.
BENDY
A benevolent what?
ARCHIE
A nice bloke with money.
FAT TED
When the folks and their brats were coming home they didn’t know that the bus was stuffed chokers with gear. It is a great cover. If ever there was a Nobel Prize for criminal ideas that idea should have won it.
JADA
Have we got a bus?
FAT TED
We do. At the moment it’s being modified. We’re raising the floor a little to allow more gear to be stored.
ARCHIE
What happens if they bring the sniffer dogs on?
FAT TED
All those kids dropping sweet papers, chocolate on the floor will do the job, plus the drugs can be double wrapped. So what we need....
JADA
Let me, Fat Ted...what we need is a full proof destination for a bus tour. Something that won’t send up rockets for our boys in Scottish Crime. Let me think about it. Now Gentlemen I’ve got a very important person to see.
Jada stands.
JADA (CONT’D)
Archie, you get your mate in the Met to find out about Aleshia’s new friend. Bendy, you can drive me.
Bendy gets up.
ARCHIE
Got it Boss.
As Jada and Bendy walk off, everyone else in the pub relaxes.
Jada stops and turns. All the folks go rigid and look up.
JADA
Fat Ted, I’ll get you a destination in the next twenty four.
FAT TED
Boss.
JADA
For God’s sake cheer up. You lot look like the front row of a Daniel O’Donnell concert.
The bar gets back to drinking and whatever else they’re up to.
INT. TAXI OFFICE - DAY
The Taxi Office looks as if it should smell of B.O. Nasty old brown seats and walls made of imitation wood. The height of Formica.
MANAGER (O.S.)
It solidarity, that’s what it is.
A balaclava and dark glasses are slammed down on a table.
Andy pushes them back towards the TAXI MANAGER (30), fat and sweating.
MANAGER (CONT’D)
If you don’t wear them, you’re not driving.
ANDY
I’ve got nothing to hide.
MANAGER
Don’t be so firkin’ stupid, we’ve all got something to hide. Tell you what. Keep them in the cab and if the boys get annoyed then tell them you get claustrophobic. Can’t say fairer than that.
ANDY
Fine.
Andy picks up the gear and stands.
MANAGER
Your cab keys.
Andy walks outside.
INT. TAXI - DAY
Typical Loankirk taxi. Beads on the driver’s seat. Various trinkets hung from the rear-view mirror.
Andy starts the cab up and rolls down the window.
EXT. TAXI RANK - DAY
Andy drives off giving the Social Security photographer (yep, he’s still there) a HUGE smile.
INT. CARE HOME. GARDEN - DAY
Jada stands at the patio doors of the Home. He looks around until he sees the woman sitting alone. This poor soul is what’s left of his wife.
He marches over with Bendy following who’s carrying a bunch of flowers. Jada kisses her on the cheek then sits on a bench next to her. He takes his good leather gloves off.
BENDY
Afternoon Mrs McKelvie.
JADA
She’s looking well Bendy? You remember Bendy, Alice?
BENDY
Aye, she is indeed.
JADA
Flowers Bendy.
Bendy lays the flowers on Mrs McKelvie’s lap. This lady suffers from dementia.
BENDY
Sorry boss.
JADA
Go and get yourself a coffee Bendy, there’s a good lad. I want a wee word with my darling wife.
BENDY
No problemo.
Bendy wanders off.
Jada takes his wife’s hand.
JADA
Jesus love, I miss you.
The hard man is fighting back the tears.
JADA (CONT’D)
Remember when we used to sit in the back garden and watch the wane playing? I’ll tell you something love, those were the best days. Nothing ever came close.
INT. CARE HOME. HALL - DAY
A corridor with posters and a few of the OLDER FOLK walking through.
Jada is putting on his gloves and walking with Bendy.
JADA
I could see that wee glint in her eye.
BENDY
Best I’ve seen her.
The MATRON (40) a prim kind woman with all the gravitas of Hattie Jacques is walking the other way.
JADA
Bendy , you get the car started. I want a wee word with the Matron here.
BENDY
Boss.
The Matron has heard this.
MATRON
Mister McKelvie, how may I help you?
JADA
I just wanted to thank you for Alice. She seems a lot happier since she’s moved here. If there’s anything I can do - just ask.
MATRON
Many thanks Mr. McKelvie and funnily enough there is something you might be able to help with.
Matron points to a poster we can’t see. Jada reacts to it.
JADA
You might just be right there.
ARCHIE (V.O.)
Lourdes?
JADA (V.O.)
Lourdes, Archie.
INT. JADA’S HOUSE. LOUNGE - EVENING
Bendy, Archie, Jada, Fat Ted and Tesco are sitting in the best room in the house at the best table.
They’re all drinking and smoking.
FAT TED
So run that by me again, Jada if you don’t mind. I’m getting a bit dolly-dimple these days.
Jada gets up on his feet. This man is inspired.
JADA
Tesco , you get the money delivered. Fat Ted , you get the Moroccans to deliver to Spain. The boys here organise transport to Lourdes.
BENDY
Where?
ARCHIE
Lourdes...France.
JADA
Good boy. It lies at the foothills of the Pyrenees. It was there that Bernadette Soubirous saw Our Lady of Lourdes.
BENDY
Is she like Madonna?
Archie clips the back of Bendy’s head.
BENDY (CONT’D)
What?
ARCHIE
She’s a friend of upstairs.
Archie looks up to the roof.
BENDY
Aleshia?
Archie slaps him this time.
JADA
They say that miracles occur.
ARCHIE
(to Bendy)
Like you getting a brain.
JADA
We lay on a bus, at cheap rates. Say it’s been underwritten by a benefactor of the Catholic Church. We drive the bus through to France, we load up. They get their miracles we get our drugs.
BENDY
Miracle drugs?
Archie is about to hit Bendy again but stops.
ARCHIE
No, that’s quite good.
JADA
Second thoughts,Fat Ted, maybe you should help with the transport as well.
INT. “THE KIRK” BAR - NIGHT
Alex’s band “STRAIGHT MEN KISSING” are on stage. ANNIE (23) - a cracker and Alex’s girlfriend is the lead singer. TWO MENTAL CASES are the bass and guitar players. ALEX is on drums.
The pub’s not exactly heaving. The PUNTERS could probably all come together and use the one table.
Andy is sitting at the back, near the bar, his father is sitting in a wheelchair next to him.
STAN
No’ exactly Johnny Beattie at Barrfields.
ANDY
More like the Krankies.
They share a smile.
STAN
I meant to tell you, the matron thinks she might have an organiser for the trip to Lourdes.
ANDY
Why would you want to go there? You’re not even religious.
Stan touches his wheelchair.
STAN
You never know. This time next year I could be up on that stage - anyway it’s a break away.
ANDY
Okay, own up. Which wrinkly is going?
STAN
That brunette in the room down the hall.
ANDY
I might have known.
STAN
I can’t grieve for ever son.
ANDY
I know Dad. I know.
STAN
What about you? Give her a call. This life; one minute you’re looking forward and then next, it’d sll looking back.
Andy smiles at his Dad, pats his arm, then gets up and goes outside.
INT. JADA’S HOUSE. BASEMENT - NIGHT
It’s that time of the day again, when Bendy and Archie are torturing some poor soul.
The MAN, in his underwear is tapped to the leg chair. His arms are tapped behind his back.
Bendy pulls back the black tape that covers the man’s mouth and lets it hang to one side.
BENDY
Where did you put the money?
He gives him a slap , but that man’s not for talking.
ARCHIE
You’re better telling us, ‘cause if the boss gets hold....
BENDY
...he’s got a bag of golf club that have never seen a green. Get my drift?
ARCHIE
We’re the good cops here. What have you done to him?
BENDY
Listen to 24 hours non-stop of some ‘Stop-Smoking’ CD, that was going cheap at the market.
ARCHIE
And?
BENDY
Funnily enough, he still wants a cigarette.
ARCHIE
Not that bampot, I mean have you found out where the money is.
Archie’s mobile rings. In the background, Bendy puts the tape back across the man’s mouth.
ARCHIE (CONT’D)
Aye, hello? Aye. You don’t say. Is that so? Cheers.
Archie puts the ‘phone away.
ARCHIE (CONT’D)
Stick the CD on again Bendy Boy, I’ve got something important to tell the boss.
Archie walks out.
Bendy gives the man a gentle pat on the cheek.
EXT. “THE KIRK BAR” - NIGHT
Andy is sitting on a wall talking into his mobile. A COUPLE leave the bar.
WOMAN
That band are pure rubbish.
The couple link arms and walk into the dark.
ANDY
How many times do I have to say it? I love you.
INT. ANDY’S FLAT - NIGHT
Marriane’s sitting on her favourite spot listening to the answer-phone.
ANDY (V.O.)
I miss you. Why won’t you talk to me? Please. It’s not the same when you’re not with me.
Marriane, once again, switches off the light and goes into her room. The flashing red of the answer-phone continues.
ANDY (V.O.) (CONT’D)
I’ll give up the job if that’s what you want.
Marriane’s door opens and she returns to her spot.
All that’s lighting up Marriane’s smile is the red light from the answer-phone.
INT. GARAGE - DAY
Inside a large garage is the bus bound for Lourdes. It’s up on supports.
Through a glass window, Fat Ted and Tesco are overseeing it from their office (basically they are reading the ‘papers).
TWO HEFTY GUYS are welding and fitting metal sheets into the bus.
Jada and Archie enter.
JADA
Where the hell is Fat Ted?
Archie elbows Jada to show the two of them drinking tea and reading.
INT. GARAGE. OFFICE - DAY
Tesco is looking at some dolly bird in the ‘papers. A cup of tea gets poured over his head.
Tesco naturally, jumps up. Fat Ted puts his paper down.
TESCO
For F.........Sorry boss. I didn’t see you there.
JADA
I could have been the Filth. Get out there Tesco and keep a lookout.
TESCO
Right away boss.
Tesco does his bidding. Archie has a smirk to himself but Jada has seen it and slaps him on the back of the head.
ARCHIE
Sorry boss.
Jada has that ‘You can’t get the staff’ look.
JADA
Fat Ted.
FAT TED
Aye boss?
JADA
Status.
INT. GARAGE - DAY
Jada and Fat Ted are looking inside the bus.
FAT TED
As you can see we’ve raised the floor by 6 inches. That allows for more storage space in the bottom.
JADA
Is that not going to add to the weight?
FAT TED
We’ve stripped out a lot. The bus shouldn’t be too heavy.
JADA
But it’s going to travel from the Pyrenees all the way to Loankirk, fully loaded. Punters, their luggage, the resin.
FAT TED
I know, but I reckon we can take up to 300 clicks...eh,kilos and she’ll still take the payload.
JADA
What if it’s a hot day. That smell of resin and the God botherers will be seeing more than the Virgin Mary.
FAT TED
We wrap the resin just like they did in the nineties.
JADA
Which is?
FAT TED
Doubled wrapped in cling film. We’ve sent a small machine out to Spain.
JADA
How do we get the gear from Spain to Lourdes?
FAT TED
In a old van - we take it through Andorra. You could push a 747 through there and no one would bat an eyelid.
JADA
Still I would be happier with a dry run.
FAT TED
Run the bus to Lourdes and come back empty?
JADA
It would be safer. See if we get stopped. What if an axle breaks? When will the bus be ready?
FAT TED
Another couple of days.
JADA
I reckon we should at least see if the bus can take the weight.
FAT TED
What do you suggest boss?
JADA
We offer the care home folks a day out in Inverary. We weight it down with clay and see if it can make it over the Rest-and-be-thankful.
FAT TED
Who’s going to drive?
JADA
I reckon we need two for the Lourdes trip. Archie, will be one and I think I have someone else. We can test him out on the Inverary trip - see if he can handle it alone.
EXT. EUSTON STATION LONDON - DAY
Marriane with a small valise enters the station. She looks up at the Glasgow train, looks at her watch and walks toward the train.
INT. TAXI. TAXI RANK - DAY
Andy sits in the cab reading a book. He sees a taxi , two in front, leaving the rank with the usual V sign to the photographer.
With stealth, Jada gets into the back seat.
JADA
So?
Andy doesn’t react.
ANDY
Mister McKelvie. No driver today?
JADA
Embezzlement.
Jada leans over the seat.
ANDY
It wasn’t proved.
JADA
Enough for the Met to chuck you out. I always was under the notion that embezzlement got you into the Met. Does your father know?
ANDY
Nope.
JADA
You’re not very popular with the other drivers, so I’m told.
ANDY
I didn’t realise that popularity was in the job spec.
JADA
Don’t get smart. I’ve got something else for you.
ANDY
What?
JADA
Bus driver.
ANDY
Don’t tell me - Blythwood estate on a Saturday night?
JADA
I wouldn’t send Geronimo around there; bloody hooligans. No, I want to take your father and his cronies to Inverary. If you can survive with a bus load of pee smelling wrinklies then I might just have a better one for you. One where you can get the sun. Already, I’ve said too much.
ANDY
Why not? You’re on.
JADA
Good man. Now drive me home.
EXT. LOANKIRK FOOTBALL GROUNDS - DAY
It’s just another Saturday in Loankirk. Aleshia, dressed up in track suit is managing the home team.
TWO OF THE AWAY TEAM are on either side of The Referee’s car and are rocking it back and forth. The Referee may just be going to be sick.
Andy and Alex both wander up to Aleshia. She’s busy attempting to organise the TEAM on the pitch but she takes time to say hello.
ALESHIA
Andy.
ANDY
My brother, Alex. Lives in Greenock.
ALESHIA
Someone’s got to.
ALEX
(whispering badly)
Is she slagging off Greenock?
ANDY
Aye, she is.
I see the Referee’s in a tight spot, as usual.
ALEX
Should I help him out?
ALESHIA
Why bother? I think he enjoys it.
Aleshia smiles.
ALEX
(whispering)
She’s lovely.
Andy just stares at Alex.
ALEX (CONT’D)
Shut up?
ANDY
Shut up.
ALEX
I might just wander around the park, then. Leave you two. I should go?
ANDY
Go.
Alex backs away.
ALEX
Fair enough, you only had to ask.
ALESHIA
He seems like fun.
ANDY
You would think. He’s only got one thing on his brain. Okay, maybe two. He wants to be richer than Duncan Bannatyne before he’s thirty.
ALESHIA
It’s good to have a plan.
ANDY
He gets fixated on things. For a long time. He was convinced that he was Simon Cowell’s love child.
ALESHIA
You’re joking, right?
ANDY
I wish.
Alex is on the other side of the park, trying his best to look like a windmill
ALESHIA
I think you’re brother may be trying to get your attention.
ANDY
(to Alex)
What?
Alex points to a space behind Andy.
ANDY (CONT’D)
I - can’t - hear - you.
Aleshia looks around.
ALESHIA
Is she one of yours?
Andy turns to see Marriane standing there with a bag.
The taxi she has just come out of is turning.
Marriane shakes her head at what she’s just seen. She walks in front of the taxi.
INT. TAXI - CONTINUOUS
Driver staring straight at Marriane.
DRIVER 2
Bampot.
Now that the taxi has stopped, Marriane jumps into the back seat. Andy is walking towards the taxi.
DRIVER 2 (CONT’D)
I could have killed you.
MARRIANE
I don’t care.
DRIVER 2
You might have dented my car.
MARRIANE
I still don’t care.
Andy jumps in the back seat beside her. Marriane attempts to go out the other door. Andy grabs her arm.
MARRIANE (CONT’D)
Mister Taxi Driver, tell this Scottish pig to get his arm off of me.
DRIVER 2
Miss. This is Loankirk, we’re all pigs here.
ANDY
(to driver)
Could you leave us alone for a minute?
DRIVER 2
What, get out my own taxi into the cold?
ANDY
Twenty quid?
DRIVER 2
Done.
EXT. LOANKIRK FOOTBALL GROUNDS - CONTINUOUS
The driver gets out and walks over to Aleshia.
The referee’s car is still getting rocked about.
DRIVER 2
I see the Ref’s still in trouble.
ALESHIA
You could help him.
DRIVER 2
I could.
He stays where he is.
INT. TAXI - CONTINUOUS
ANDY
Why did you come up here? Not that I’m sorry to see you.
MARRIANE
You said you love me. That you wanted a baby. Who’s she?
ANDY
It doesn’t matter who she is.
MARRIANE
Do you love her, you Scottish pig?
ANDY
She’s part of the job. I’m being Jay-mess Bond.
MARRIANE
And he sleeps with all his women.
ANDY
I’ve got the one thing that Bond hasn’t got --- You.
Her Gallic emotions do a 180 degree turn and she starts kissing Andy all over.
EXT. LOANKIRK FOOTBALL GROUNDS - CONTINUOUS
The Driver looks back at this taxi and sees the two of them kissing. He nudges, Aleshia.
DRIVER 2
That’s my passion wagon. It does that to people.
ALESHIA
If you like that type.
DRIVER 2
Oh aye, I like that type.
The driver watches the match.
DRIVER 2 (CONT’D)
(to himself)
Oh aye.
INT. GARAGE - DAY
The two mechanics plus Archie and Bendy have formed a human line passing the cling film wrapped clay from one to another. Last man places the packages in the bus under the false floor.
Fat Ted is supervising - his phone RINGS.
FAT TED
Another half hour and we’ll be on the road. I’ve told our Met boy to pick the bus up about 10.
EXT. CARE HOME - DAY
Andy is helping the CARE HOME PEOPLE on to the bus. His Dad, Stan, is standing next to him.
ANDY
Mind the step there.
Andy takes the man by the elbow.
STAN
(to the man being helped)
That’s my boy.
The man looks back and smiles , then gets on the bus.
ANDY
Come on now peoples. Quick as you can.
A once glamorous puss joins the queue.
STAN
No need to wait there Cynthia.
Stan takes her by the arm and pushes her to the front of the queue. His is grinning like a Cheshire cat as he passes Andy.
Marriane comes out with a board.
MARRIANE
That is them all.
ANDY
I just wish you hadn’t come.
MARRIANE
Why,Scottish boy?
ANDY
It’s dangerous.
MARRIANE
(talking about the old folks)
For them maybe.
Andy kisses Marriane.
INT. CAR - CONTINUOUS
The same view from inside the car.
Archie is sitting in the driver’s seat and Jada next to him.
JADA
Interesting.
ARCHIE
Some foreign totty.
JADA
Nice looking.
ARCHIE
So what’s the plan boss?
JADA
Just keep your distance. If they do break down or the cops stop them - they might wonder why a group of pensioners are smuggling a bus load of clay to Inverary.
Bendy’s in the back seat.
BENDY (O.C.)
A pottery class outing, maybe?
JADA/ARCHIE
Shut it!
INT. LOCH LOMOND - DAY
The bus has stopped at an attractive area. The OLDIES are all in the trees obviously having had toilet breaks. They emerge like lost souls.
STAN
Oh that’s better.
INT. CAR - CONTINUOUS
Same view from the car.
JADA (O.C.)
How long have we been on the road?
ARCHIE (O.C.)
About forty minutes.
JADA (O.C)
Forty minutes and that’s the third pee stop. Can any body see a flaw in our design?
BENDY (O.C.)
Don’t use old people?
JADA (O.C.)
You might be right.
BENDY (O.C.)
Cheers boss.
JADA (O.C.)
But that’s not what I meant. We need a loo on the bus, or all of them get better bladders in Lourdes.
BENDY (O.C.)
Can you buy them there, then?
Bendy’s head being SLAPPED.
EXT. BUS - DAY
The Bus is driving up the Rest-And-Be-Thankful and something is pouring out a hole in the bus on to the road.
INT. BUS - DAY
Andy’s loving the driving with Marriane next to him.
MARRIANE
Scotland is beautiful. When did you learn to drive the bus?
ANDY
Yesterday.
MARRIANE
Don’t you need some license or other?
ANDY
Probably.
DISTURBANCE at the back window.
ANDY (CONT’D)
Can you go and see Marriane love what the problem is.
Stan looks over at his companion - she’s asleep, so he has a wee peek at Marriane’s bum. Andy catches him.
ANDY (CONT’D)
Dad.
STAN
You can’t stop a man from looking.
Marriane returns.
MARRIANE
I don’t really understand. He said that there was ‘a load of sheet coming out the back of the bus’.
ANDY
I’ll stop when I get to the top.
EXT. BUS - DAY
The PASSENGERS are all around the back of the bus being nosey.
OLD MAN
It’s grey.
OLD WOMAN
It’s taste like clay.
OLD MAN
Don’t be so stupid.
OLD WOMAN
I’m telling you, taste it yourself.
OLD MAN
She’s right. Strange that.
ANDY
Don’t worry about it folks. It was just a leak in a rear manifold.
OLD MAN
A what?
ANDY
Just get on the bus.
OLD MAN
Not if it’s unsafe. I’ll walk to Inverary.
OLD WOMAN
If the young man’s says it’s safe, I believe him.
ANDY
Thank you. Now please all of you get on.
Andy tapes up the whole - he doesn’t want to uncover anything.
He looks back to see Jada’s car sitting in a lay-by further down the hill. He pretends not to see.
INT. GARAGE - EVENING
Andy has just dropped the bus off at the Garage. He’s locked it up.
JADA (O.C.)
So, what do you think?
ANDY
I wondered when I’d see you. What do I think about what?
Jada is sitting on a box.
JADA
The bus.
ANDY
Could do with a toilet.
JADA
Agreed.
ANDY
I take it this is a dry run. In a manner of speaking.
JADA
The real stuff won’t leak.
ANDY
Now I see. Empty bus to Lourdes. Packed bus back.
JADA
You Met boys know your stuff.
ANDY
Ex-Met.
JADA
Whatever. So are you up for it?
ANDY
Driving the bus?
JADA
Aye. They’ll be two drivers. You and Archie.
ANDY
How much?
JADA
Ten grand each.
ANDY
Regardless.
JADA
Regardless.
ANDY
What suckers are going to actually be on the bus?
JADA
The same folks as today. They won’t know anything other than they are getting a cheap bus trip to MiracleWorld.
ANDY
My father?
JADA
And your woman. Call it an insurance. Night. Night.
Andy watches Jada walk out the garage.
ANDY
Shit.
BLACK SCREEN
SOUND of an 8mm CINE PROJECTOR running.
FADE IN:
A home movie plays on an old white sheet.
Andy, as a ten year old, playing with A FRIEND. Andy is dressed as a policeman - the Halloween type. His friend is sitting in a toy car apparently having been stopped by the cop.
Andy is writing details given by the boy into his notebook.
The film scratched,CRACKLES and runs out.
Sound of EMPTY FILM REEL going round and round.
END OF EPISODE
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