SHE DISAPPEARED

 

She disappeared long before she disappeared

She never sent a postcard

She just left

Without remembering any of our names

She never knew who I was

Just the man who lay beside her

On the bed wishing she would remember me

Then one day in the hospital my dad

Gave her some crisps

She said ‘why don’t you give them to Bobby’

She had come back to say goodbye

And then she was gone forever

I still keep those words locked somewhere safe.

 

bobby stevenson 2022

I WISH I HAD FALLEN MORE

I wish I had fallen more,

It would have shown I was trying harder than I should,

I wished I had pushed more doors open, cried more often,

Listened more, started more fights, started more smiles,

Made more friends, held more people,

Dried more tears, caused more fun.

Wished I had laughed more,

Until the pee ran down my leg,

I wished I had said ‘sorry’ more,

Talked to more hearts,

Wished I had fallen more,

Got rejected by more strangers,

It would have shown I was trying,

Wished I had failed more,

It would have meant I was alive,

I just wish I had fallen more.

 

bobby stevenson 2022

THE BEST OF ALL SUMMERS

Some things remain with you forever.

When I was ten years old, my father took me on a trip in an old battered car and caravan, and although I didn’t know it at the time, my father was dying. He was only forty years of age and he was dying of a brain tumour.
What can I tell you about me back then? That I was the only son of parents who never got around to marrying? That I lived with my two sisters and a cat and that despite not having any money, we lived in a house packed to the roof with love.

Maybe that’s as good as it gets in anyone’s life.
My father was the gentlest of hearts and the kindest of men, and I’m not just saying that because he’s gone. I’m saying it because it was true. It was his strength and his weakness. My mother watched so many people taking advantage of his goodness, that in the end she put herself in the way of anyone trying to use him. This made her seem hard but she was willing to put up with that, because that was what our family was always about – love.

My parents had decided that when school was closed for the summer, Mum and the girls would go to London for a few days to see a show, while me and Dad would go north taking his old car hooked up to Granddad’s caravan. I knew Dad was probably hoping this would be a chance for us to talk, as he was always working and I was always in my bedroom being misunderstood. Even at ten years of age I had no real idea how to enjoy myself.

On that summer, that glorious summer, school finished and my life began. Dad drove Mum and the girls to the railway station and I sat on the front steps waiting, bag ready and caravan packed.

I’ll always remember the ‘toot-toot-toot’ of my Dad on the car horn as he returned from the station, letting everyone in the street know that the boys were off on holiday. All those unused days were spread before us, waiting.

If I’d thought that it was going to be a particularly difficult time sitting in the car with my Dad, I was wrong. I had imagined him and me struggling to talk to each other and stumbling over words. I guess I’ve always made assumptions about things. I’ve worried and assumed – I suppose that’s what should be written on my headstone. There I go again.

As we drove towards the coast, I felt ashamed of myself. Here was a man who knew all about my writings and about the books I’d read. He would steal himself into my room after he came home late from work, too late to wish me goodnight but long enough to kiss me on the forehead and absorb from the room who and what I was. There was I knowing very little about him, except he was my father and he was rarely home.

I don’t recall when he stopped the car but I do remember it getting dark. I had been telling him all about the characters in some Dickens novel when I must have fallen asleep in his arms. When I awoke, it was morning and the sun was fighting the condensation on the window. Dad had placed me in the back seat and covered me with his jacket.

The car was freezing and as I sat up, I shivered. I wiped away mist from the side window and saw, that despite the sun, the sky and the sea were a cold blue, broken up by the foamy edges of the waves. We had parked at the edge of a cliff and Dad was sitting, staring – that was all he was doing – just staring. When I felt brave enough, I ventured outside to join him. I’ll always remember his face that day, the wind had slapped his cheeks into a Santa Claus red and his eyes were watering, stung by the sea. You could almost imagine that he had been crying, and I wonder now, from all those years away, if he had been.

He told me to sit next to him and he put his arm around me, “You, and me, son are going on an adventure”.

Now don’t get me wrong, I liked the sound of ‘adventure’ and I loved my father and felt safe with him but there was always a part of me that wanted to return to the protection of my bedroom, pull up my arms into my sleeves and wait on the next hurtful thing. Yeah, you’re right, I was one weird kid.
As we came over the hill I could see it: Blackpool Tower. I had never seen anything so tall in all my life and was so excited that I forgot about my misgivings. The place was alive with people who were swept up with enjoying life and buzzing with laughter. There were donkey rides by the sea, the odd uncle with a handkerchief on his head to keep the sun away and people breaking their teeth on sticks of rocks, slurping ice cream and getting pieces of candy floss stuck to their noses.

Dad and I went down on to the beach and ate our fish and chips from a newspaper. I think it was the best fish and chips I ever tasted.
“That’s better.” said Dad.
“What?”
“You’re smiling, you’ve got a nice smile, you know. You should use it more often.”
“Oh Dad.”
“I’m just saying.”

And do you know what? I felt that I didn’t want to be anywhere else. Just me and my Dad on the beach at Blackpool.
“It’s my fault.” he said, sadly.
“What is, Dad?”
“The fact that you never smile, me and your Mum left you sitting too long in that room of yours.”
“I like my room.”
“No one likes their room.”

Dad parked the caravan down some quiet side street and told me to get washed and ready as he took a walk into town. When he returned, his breath smelt of beer and his clothes of cigarettes.
“You’ll never guess what I’ve got in my pocket? Two tickets to see Arthur Askey at the Grand”.

What a night that was, everyone laughing and singing along with The Bee Song. I looked over at my Dad and he was laughing so hard the tears were rolling down his face. God, I miss him.

We had ice cream topped with raspberry sauce on the way back and I never once thought about my misgivings, not once.

The next morning after a cup of tea and a bacon roll, we left Blackpool still singing the Bee Song, just me and my Dad.

I can’t remember who saw the old lady first. My Dad had stopped the car because I needed to pee again and I was hiding in the bushes. The woman was sitting on a bench and at first we thought she was just sleeping, but her head had rolled forwards and she was moaning. Dad put his ear close to listen to her breathing.
“This isn’t good. We’ll need to get her to hospital.”

I sat with her in the back seat of the car while she rested her head on my lap. She reminded me of my Gran, I almost said “We won’t be long now Gran” when she moaned really loudly. The nurse brought Dad and me drinks as we sat in the corridor waiting on news. It almost felt like it was my Gran.
“Are you family?”
Dad explained to the doctor that we had found her sitting by the side of the road.

“There was nothing we could do, I’m afraid. I’m sorry your trip was in vain. She passed away five minutes ago.”

Dad got a bit annoyed but he kept it to himself until we were outside the hospital. I thought maybe he was sad about the old lady dying, but really he was a bit angry.
“Don’t you ever believe that what we did was in vain, son. Never think that. That poor lady would have died alone on that bench if we hadn’t stopped. As it is, you kept her company and there were people with her when she went. So it wasn’t in vain. Nothing is in vain. Always, always remember that. Everything matters”.

I guess that’s the kind of thing that happens to a person when they come out of their room.

As Dad drove north, I had the feeling that he just wanted to keep driving but as soon as it started to get dark, we stopped. Thinking back, I guess he couldn’t see too well in the dying light, something to do with his tumour.We set the caravan down in a field that overlooked Liverpool. What a city.

Looking over the way the setting sun painted the building tops, a crimson yellow. We were going into town tomorrow and Dad said he had a surprise.
I don’t think I have ever been to a happier city than Liverpool that day.

People were going to and fro but always laughing and joking. Some were singing, others whistling. I loved every minute of it; every blooming minute of it.

“I’ve got a pal and he owes me a favour”, said Dad. I felt ashamed that I hadn’t even known that my father had any friends or who they were.
“He works at a club down Matthew Street. He says if we arrive early enough, he’ll get us in and you can hide under my coat.”

I almost had misgivings again, almost wishing I was back in my safe, warm, bedroom – almost.

We did what Dad said and he put me under his coat and the doorman, his pal, waved us past all the people waiting to get in.
“We’ll need to keep you under cover young ‘un” said Bert, Dad’s pal, as he led me to a small room by the stairs where he gave me lemonade.
“We’ll come and get you when the band is ready” said my Dad. “I’m going to have a talk with Bert. You’ll be okay here?”
I would be.

I had just finished my drink when there was a knock at the door, followed by it opening.
“Hey Paul, look what I’ve found, the Cavern has little people living under the stairs. What are you doing here, son?”
I told him I was waiting on the band and that my Dad was coming to get me.
“And what band would that be son?”

I shrugged and the man seemed to find that funny. His pal, Paul came over to have a look at me.
“You’re right John, that is one of the little people. You’ve got to be lucky to see them” and then he rubbed my head.

John said it was his band that was playing and I said I was sorry. He said not as sorry as he was and asked did I want to come to their dressing room? Although on second thoughts, John said, there was probably more room under the stairs.

So I went with John and Paul and met the other two, George and Pete. They were all fooling around and didn’t seem to be in any way nervous. John asked me what I wanted to do “That is, when you stop being one of the little people.”

I told him I wanted to be a writer and he said that was probably the best job in the world next to being in a band, especially his band, and he went into his jacket and gave me his pen.
“If anyone asks, tell them John Lennon gave it to you.”

That night I watched John, Paul, George and Pete play the most wonderful music I had ever heard or will ever hear. I didn’t know it then, but a few weeks later Ringo replaced Pete. I never got to meet him.
My Dad died, just after Christmas, that year.

He left me with the best present that I have ever received in my life. He took me out of my room and locked the door so I couldn’t go back in. So what if I got hurt? That was the price you paid for being out there, that was the price we all paid, and the other thing he gave me was the belief that nothing is ever in vain, nothing.

On the thirtieth anniversary of John Lennon’s death, I flew to New York and walked through Central Park and climbed the hill to Strawberry Fields. There was a little boy about ten and his Dad listening to the music of Lennon and I took out the pen and I handed it to them:
“John Lennon gave me this.”
Everything matters.

bobby stevenson 2022
https://thougthcontrol.wordpress.com/  https://randomactsstories.blogspot.com/
Dedicated to my mother, Agnes and my father. Thomas – where ever they may be.

THE ROOM WHERE THE GOOD THINGS ARE

Martha had a room, one that she would refer to as a ‘spare room’. Not that the size of her house allowed for such extravagances – she had a kitchen, a little area to sit, a small toilet at the rear of her house, and a little bedroom upstairs. Next to that was Martha’s spare room. When she and Ted first got married, it had been kept ready for a little child. Ted told his wife that he ‘wanted’ two sons and two daughters, Martha said she would be content with a happy, healthy child. Ted had painted the walls of the room with characters from books – he had done all this himself in the hope that one day his own child would look up from a cot and smile at the paintings. In the first two summers of their married lives and with no blessing of a son or daughter, Ted put some of his old books in the room. Martha was understandably upset, but as Ted said, there was nowhere else for them to go. The years drifted by and no child was gifted to the couple. Then one quiet May morning, Ted went into the spare room and noticed all the junk covering the walls and floor. He also noticed, sadly, that all the characters he had painted had faded in the sunlight. “There ain’t no child coming, Lord, I can see that now,” Ted said quietly to himself, and so, that afternoon, he went out and bought the whitest of white paints and decided to throw out all the junk and re-paint the room. Ted and Martha never talked about children again, but she was delighted with the new white room which Ted had painted. “This shall be our room for all the good things,” Martha said to Ted. And that is what it became. All the presents given to them at Christmas or birthdays were placed in the room in order that they could be admired and kept good. Dishes, cups, paintings, bottles of this and that, were all placed in the spare room to be kept good. Once in a while, Ted would go into the room and admire all the gifts and would ask Martha whether they could use a plate or a dish, but Martha would always say ‘no’ and tell him that the room was to keep everything good in their lives and keep those things safe. When her few friends came back to the house after Ted’s funeral, she took down some of the china cups and plates from her room and allowed her guests to use them. With Ted no longer there, Martha didn’t notice her mind beginning to wear away. Sometimes she forgot things; then she forgot names of those who came to call. One morning Martha came down from her bedroom and couldn’t remember who she was. These days Martha looks out of her hospital room window and not far away is her own home with the spare room. She can see all the good things stored in that room – but Martha doesn’t know that it is her house, or that the objects are all the things she and Ted kept for better days. bobby stevenson 2022

LIVE. LOVE. ASAP.

Run my friend and don’t look back 

Don’t think the rest of life is yours

Or that unfinished day

 

Will hold its course as planned

Take what you think is needed now

 

Don’t hesitate, for loss is never reinstated

 

Breathe deep and strong

 

Then run and love and live

And tell all of those who need to know

 

How much their hearts are needed.

bobby stevenson 2022 x

THE ANGELS' SHARE

 His name was Sandy, and he’d worked at the Inverlochan Distillery man and boy. The day after he’d left school, he’d gone straight into the whisky-making business and had never left. He didn’t need to. He was content as anyone had a right to be.

He’d met his future wife, Sadie there – she’d worked in payroll – and on the day they’d got married, the distillery donated a barrel of whisky to the party. After a few years, they had four kids, one a doctor, and the other three worked at Inverlochan. Sandy and Sadie had an extremely happy life.

Sandy used to show visitors around the workplace. He’d tell them about the barrels and the fact that whisky was a clear liquid when it went in. Then he’d tell them about the amount of the spirit which would evaporate every year from the said barrel. It would just disappear, not a great percentage but a loss all the same. The whisky folks called this ‘The Angels’ Share’.

It was his youngest granddaughter who noticed that Granddad Sandy was beginning to forget things. They had gone to the shops, and he had forgotten where the car was. And so it began, the illness. Sometimes he would get concerned about the location of his wife. Sometimes he even forgot her name.

And that was when Sadie would step in. She would tell folks that a little bit of his thoughts evaporated every year. “A small part of my lovely husband is lost. We like to call it in the family, ‘The Angels’ Share’”.

bobby stevenson 2022

Thanks to the movie for the inspiration.

SEE YOU DOWN THE ROAD

 

See you down the road pal
See you down the road
Thanks for all the love pal
For sharing with the load
See you down the road friend
See you down the road
Thanks for all the kindness
Until we meet again.

Bobby Stevenson 2022

TO.......

TO........

To all the love

That died unspoken,

To all the hearts

So quietly broken,

To all the tears

That fell unseen,

To all the things

That might have been.

 

bobby stevenson 2022

 

The Greatest Kiss

 

You stood there on the hill, looking down at the town,
Thinking of all the things that had gone wrong,
All the little dreams that had turned to smoke.
“Why me?” Was all you could think of.
“Why them?” Was what got you the most.
Then that thought came to you
And a little bit of warmth hit your smile.
Because the day of your greatest kiss still lay ahead
And that was forever worth holding on for.

 bobby stevenson 2022