There was a time back then,
a long time after Buzz’s pappy had left for somewhere down south, that Buzz
took to lyin’ to make himself feel better. Well maybe not lyin’ exactly, more
exaggeratin’ usin’ stories that weren’t the whole truth and nothin’ but the
truth.
I mean, I knew his pappy was
long gone but I heard Buzz tellin’ the new teacher – the one with the crooked
eye - that Buzz’s pappy was away being King of England. It was a story that probably made my buddy
feel a little better and that’s all that matters.
The teacher kinda smiled at
him, as if Buzz was the class idiot (which sometimes he was) and then told him
she’d hear all about it later and that perhaps Buzz could take his seat, ‘If
his majesty feels like it, that is’. You see Buzz had forgotten that if his
pappy was the King then that made him the Prince.
“It does?” he said in a real
high voice. “It does,” he said again in a real butch low voice.
It sure did and he spent
that summer askin’ folks to call him the Prince. Not everyone took kindly to
that - one day when I was in Marty’s Barbers, I heard one of the new guys
sayin’ ‘There goes the Prince of Fools’ and when I look out the window to see
what he’s talkin’ about, all I could see was Buzz crossin’ the street.
Sometimes Buzz and his exaggeratin’
could get a little out of control. Like the time, one July, a man from the
Centerville Times came over to our town to look for ukulele players for some
competition in the newspaper. Buzz
wasn’t interested until he heard that the prize was fifty bucks. I think Buzz
thought the money would get him to find his paw and bring him home, on account
that his maw spent most nights crying through the wall of their home.
“Step right up here, ladies
and gents and sign up for the most prestigious prize this side of Two Forks
River. Step right up. Here’s a fine gentleman ready to put his John Hancock on
the paper.”
When I look up, I’m already
too late ‘cause Buzz has put his signature on the competition entry. I tried to
grab the pen off of him but he just looked at me and said that I owed the man
one buck entry fee on account that his pockets were empty. Apparently royal
people, like princes, don’t carry money. Now, I did not know that.
“You can’t play the ukulele,
“ I reminded Buzz, later.
“It’s two weeks to the
competition. I can learn it, in that time.
Anyway, what’s got into your
breeches?”
Maybe I was being a bit
stupid and that Buzz could learn to play the ukulele in fourteen days. There
was probably a book somewhere called ‘Play The Ukulele in Two Weeks’. A buck
fifty on the book and a big load of money in return.
Except there weren’t no
book, Buzz had no intention of learnin’.
“Why would I want to learn
the banjo?” Asked Buzz
I reminded him it wasn’t a
banjo but the ukulele.
“What’s that?” He asked me,
and right then was the point that I gave up on my friend. I ain’t proud of it, but I thought there
goes my buck down the river. I ain’t goin’ to see that again.
“What’s grittin’ your
panties?” Asked Buzz who could see I was a bit disconcerted.
“You ain’t gonna win the
money Buzz on account that you don’t know what a ukulele is.”
“Is it a quiz? I don’t think
so. I ain’t goin’ to play the thing.”
“You ain’t?” I said
wonderin’ what was comin’ next.
“No, I ain’t. Becky
Smallhousen is going to play the thing.”
So I can hear you thinkin’,
just like I’m thinkin’ at this point, just exactly who is Becky Smallhousen and
how is she gonna play the ukulele and make folks think it’s Buzz?
When Buzz told me the plan,
I actually thought that it might work. What he hadn’t bargained on was Becky
Smallhousen hittin’ a load of poison Ivy on the mornin’ of the competition and
her head blowin’ up to three times its normal size. At least that’s what Buzz
said.
Becky was meant to hide in a
bush behind Buzz and when he stamped his foot three times she would start
playin’ the ukulele while Buzz pretended to strum her old one. So they got to practisin’
and Becky happened to hide in the only
bush that contained poison Ivy for miles around.
“I ain’t doing it,” I said
to Buzz when he said he’d share the prize money with me.
“All you need to do is hide
in the bush and play the thing, just like Becky.”
“I can’t play the ukulele,”
I told Buzz.
“I’m not askin’ you to, I’m
askin’ you to play the banjo,” said Buzz still confused as to what stringed
instrument he was meant to be playin’.
So that was the plan, I
would hide in the bush and attempt to play the ukulele while Buzz stood out front.
I say it was a plan – ‘cause that was until Buzz bumped into the Smith Twins
who could play any kinda instrument. There was a story that they could blow air
up any animals’ be-hind and get a tune from it.
There was also the fact that
the Smith Twins would accept only five bucks from the prize money - they undercut
me.
It started real good, The
man from the Centerville Times introduced Prince Buzz, son of the King of
England. Buzz stamped his feet and a beautiful ukulele tune came from what
seemed like Buzz. The trouble was that as one twin played the ukulele the other
twin couldn’t resist joinin’ in on the spoons and it kinda gave the game away.
I mean you can say what you
like about Prince Buzz - but playin’ a
ukulele and the spoons at the same time ain’t one of them.
The Centerville Times ran a
big story on the competition.
Royal man caught cheating
it read.
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