I thought since Buzz did what he did and became what he became that I would tell you some of the stories about me and him when we were kids. Me and Buzz hope you enjoy them and maybe paint a smile on your face.
Fishin'
Buzz’s
pappy left home only a day or two before Buzz’s fifth birthday and if I can
re-call all that way back, his pappy told folks he was real ashamed that he
couldn’t support his family and then disappeared to Tijuana with a flamenco
dancer.
Somehow I
don’t think it was his family he wanted to give his support to.
The day
he left, me and Buzz were fishin’ down by Pastor’s Creek which sits next to the
Big River which flows all the way to the coast. We always talked of taking a
raft to the sea but like most things we talk about, it never did happen; least
ways not yet.
Anyhoo
I’m shootin’ off here - so on the day that his pappy left, Buzz asked me where
the tide went, as it was way out on this side of the Big River.
Me being
me, told Buzz that it went to the other side.
I
explained to Buzz that when it was low tide on this side it was high tide on
the other. He took my word without question. He just gave one of those – that
seems right to me – nods and went on with his fishin’; not another care or
another word - that’s why I love Buzz like a brother.
Now I
ain’t stupid, not like Buzz and I knows the real god’s honest may I spit on
your hand and hope to die truth - just like my grandmama told me. She said
there’s a big hole under the river where the water runs through to the other
side of the world – kind-a like that sand in an egg-timer – like the one our
teacher with the bad teeth from England showed us once.
When all
the river water goes through their holes, the world turns upside down and it
becomes night for some and day for others. Then the water comes back down the
holes and we turn over again. If that ain’t the simplest explanation, then I
don’t know what is.
My
grandmama always had a big smile on her face when she told me that one. I guess
I’ll tell Buzz the truth one of these days.
Buzz’s
pappy never did head back up this way, but I did hear that the flamenco dancer
once drove through town in a big red Cadillac – although this town is always
full of stories like that.
You just
ain’t sure what to believe.
Filmin'
Buzz
always wanted to be a movie star and so from a real young age, he got to
practising. Not with anything sensible like acting, that would have been too
clever, no – he got practising with signing his autograph.
“You got
to start somewhere” was what he told me.
When
people on Main Street saw Buzz coming their way they used to cross over just to
avoid him. Buzz put it down to folks being overwhelmed with his natural good
looks.
If ya
didn’t avoid him, before you knew it, Buzz would be staring into your face and
asking if you wanted his autograph. Everyone and I mean everyone in town, had
several copies of Buzz’s signature.
I
remember seeing the minister walking to church one Sunday morning with Buzz’s
writing on that white bit of the collar they wear. How Buzz got it there, God
only knows (and he probably does).
“I’m a
good looking kid and if they don’t want me to act in their movies, then they
don’t know what they’re missing.”
One
Saturday Buzz decided he’d do just that – show them what they were missing,
that is. That weekend the weather was real toasting and Buzz got me to borrow
(borrow without askin’) my granddaddy’s movie camera.
“I kinda
see myself as a cowboy, don’t ya think?” I just nodded, hell it was best
to just go along with anything Buzz said.
I ain’t
sure where Buzz got the gun from, but I do remember a story a while back about
Buzz’s uncle Joshua who was thrown in jail for holding up a burger joint.
Somehow the store owner convinced his uncle Joshua to take some French fries
and a soda rather than the contents of the money drawer. Still, he went to jail
all the same. I don’t remember any gun being used but I guess that’s where Buzz
got it.
Buzz
wanted me to be the baddy and the plan was for me to walk down Main Street and
pretend to call him out; cussing and saying he was a coward. Then Buzz would
come out of the saloon (it was really Mrs Bat’s Craft Shop) and challenge me to
a shoot out in the street.
I was the
one that was to get shot; Buzz felt that a man about to make his mark in the
movies shouldn’t take the bullet.
I guess
you should really check if a gun is loaded or not.
I’m just
saying, as it would have saved a lot of trouble. I’ve never seen a grown man
being shot in the bee-hind before but Samuel Brooks hollered and screamed like
the world was coming to an end. It was only a bullet in the butt, what was the
big problem?
Mrs
Brooks wanted to hang Buzz right there and then, the way they did with her
Daddy years back. I guess two people don’t make a lynch mob, but it scared the
hell out of me all the same.
Buzz was
hauled in front of Judge Pickering and folks were telling me that Buzz would
probably get the electric chair or something. At the time (I was young then) I
thought giving someone an electric chair was a real strange thing to do. Where
would ya keep it?
Anyway a
lot of people were saying that Buzz came from a real bad family, didn’t he have
an uncle who’d stolen diamonds?
Funny,
how French fries get exaggerated like that.
Anyways,
I had filmed the whole thing and we were allowed to show it in court. The judge
said it was okay to show a movie. Some folks brought in popcorn. From the
movie, you could see that as Buzz was pulling the trigger, he shut his eyes and
didn’t really mean to hit anyone. At the end of the movie some of Buzz’s family
started clapping – so Buzz got up and took a bow. Which I have to say was
pretty cool. Buzz started waving, movie star like, to the folks upstairs in the
gallery.
As I left
the courthouse that day, I saw Buzz up at the bench giving Judge Pickering his
autograph.
Growin'
One
night, me and Buzz were lying out back in his mama’s yard just hanging. We
wanted to go hiking across the top of Yellow Ridge but his mama was having none
of it. Since Buzz’s pappy had gone, she was feared people coming to her house
and stealing things; to be honest with you, his mama had nothing worth
stealing.
So there
we were looking at the stars, we must have been about five years old and right
there and then I convinced my friend that the fireflies were little people and
the lights were their little city. I kind-a guessed back then that Buzz wasn’t
gonna be no Einstein.
Now Buzz
would tell you that he’s a gnat’s wing taller than me but he ain’t telling the
truth. All thru’ schooling he was always the small one - I guess he thought
back to the fireflies and was hoping that he wasn’t the smallest thing on this
here planet.
Nope,
between you and me and the kitchen stove, I was always the first between me and
Buzz to feel the rain, I swear on a stack of bibles that’s true.
Then one
day he grew more than me and I was kind-a suspicious until I check and see he’s
been messin’ with his boots, stuffin’ them with old socks so he looks taller.
In his
naked feet he still ain’t bigger than a grasshopper – I tell ya he could look
one right in the eye.
I swear
that boy has an inferiority complex, at least ways that’s what Stevie (the
cleverest kid in school) told me. Not too sure what it means.
One day
Buzz says to me ‘Jay, ain’t it time we headed over to Duchess County a spell’
and of course I asked him if that was where all the short kids went these days.
He said
nothing until his fist hit my face. He was that quick that I didn’t see nothin’
till it was right there on the end of my nose - which was now as flat as Corry
Mitchin’s chest.
Of course
I ain’t for hittin’ my best friend, on account that he’s so stupid – no sir, so
I did what anyone would do, I threw his boots into the river. Even the Sunday
preacher would have said I had a right.
No man
should put a fist to his best friend’s nose.
Buzz
keeps saying that on account of his good looks – only his mama told him that –
that maybe we should think of headin’ out west to California.
I drag
him to the old barber shop to show him on the Civil War map that hangs on the
wall there, how far it is.
Buzz
says, ‘it can’t be more than 11 or 12 inches at most’ and that wasn’t too far -
from where he was standing. Can you believe my best friend, just how stupid he
is?
So the
upshot is, me and Buzz are heading out west just as soon as he finds another
pair of boots.
Guess
he’s scared he might get beaten up by the grasshoppers on the way there.
Drivin'
When Buzz
was about ten years old, he stole my Daddy’s car.
One
minute he was askin’ me where the keys were hangin’ and the next, he’s starting
the engine up. If my name ain’t Jay then call me a liar ‘cause I swear that he
just started her up and took off. He didn’t look back.
I ran
after him and just as he turned the corner, I jumped in the back with my legs
all flappin’ in the air and my head stuck under the seat.
“You
okay?” Shouts Buzz
“I think
so” but I have to be honest with you, the blood was running to my head so bad,
I thought my eyes were going to pop out. I really did.
Then he
slammed the brakes on and I nearly went shooting out the side of the car. I
ain’t lying, I mean as if I would do that.
When I
sat in the front, Buzz stuck two pieces of paper up my nose to stop the
bleeding and that seemed to do the trick. That was when he told me of his idea.
Seems, I had been mighty hard on Buzz judging him like I did, he wasn’t
stealin’ the car. No sir, what was happenin’ was that me and him were going to
see some of the world. I mean, did I think he was stupid or somethin’?
“Nah, I
ton’t tink you toopid.“ With the paper up my nose I was talking all funny like.
Buzz
reckoned that ten years of age was just about the right time for a boy to ripen
into a man and make something of himself. So Buzz just hit that gas tap and we
flew outta town. Now you know what I think of Buzz, he really is as stupid as
the day is long but when it comes to cars, well I guess a man has to have one
thing he’s good at. Well two, if you count the fact that Buzz says he’s good at
lookin’ good as well.
You know
full well that Buzz is always claimin’ to be taller than me even though he
ain’t.
Well,
although Buzz could stop the car, or make it go quicker, he could only do one
or the other on account of his legs not really reaching the pedals properly.
“You’re
goin’ fatter.” I was hollering at him.
“What?”
“Stop
goin’ so fat.”
I will
tell you here and now and I may I be turned into a toad, if I’m lying. I wasn’t
scared, honest injuns, I wasn’t. I just didn’t want my Daddy’s car all crashed.
I don’t
know if Buzz’s feet were stuck but that car wasn’t goin’ to halt in a month of
Sundays.
“Top it.”
“What?”
“Can’t
you top it?”
Seems
that was an impossibility and we shot through Dead Man’s Creek in the blink of
an eye. We barely made it around the bend into Schummann’s Road when Buzz kinda
lost control and the car flew over the grass and into the Park where the
Daughters of the Revolution were holding their weekly meet.
When
those ladies saw Buzz headin’ straight for them, they all dived into bushes and
two even ended up in the creek.
“Tolly” I
shouted back at them but I don’t think it did any good ‘cause they were real
mad.
At the
far end of the Park is Sad Sadie’s Sarsaparilla Drinking Emporium. It’s real
popular with the kids when they just want to hang out.
“Top.
Top, you gonna hat the tore”
“Get
ready Bud, I think we might just hit the store” said Buzz.
We didn’t
just hit it - we went through it taking with us every flavor of ice cream that
you could imagin’.
Sad Sadie
dived off to the left to avoid being squashed in the crushed nuts drawer.
“Tolly.”
I shouted but I don’t think she was listenin’.
Then we
hit the fountain and that was when we came to a stop.
As the
cops were taking Buzz away, he just hollered back at me “We’re men, Jay.”
I guess
we were.
When my
father came to collect us from the police station, the sarsaparilla was still
runnin’ down my nose.
Flyin'
The first
time that me and Buzz attempted to fly, Buzz broke his arm in two places: in
the yard and on the driveway. Yeh, Buzz didn’t think that joke was funny
either. Now you’re going back to read it again in case you missed something
‘cause you didn’t think it was so funny.
The truth
of the matter is that Buzz’s arm was good and busted all because he tried to
fly from the roof of my house to the roof of Mister Huckerby’s.
Mister H
was the man who ate children or so the story went. We’d tried to have a
look in his windows but he always kept all his curtains closed except for the
attic windows and they were too high to get at, unless you got on to his roof.
“I know
what I’ll do, I’ll fly” was Buzz’s suggestion, with a real proud look on his
face. He had thought of it all by himself.
“You’ll
fly to the top of Mister H’s house?”
“Yep!”
“What you
gonna use, a jet pack?”
“Nope,
I’ve already thought of this. I’ll find a place that’s higher than the
Child-eater’s and I glide over and land on his roof.”
If Buzz
really thought about this all by himself then I’m sure the world is coming to
an end or he ain’t tellin’ the whole truth. He’s probably seen the whole thing
on Scooby Doo or something.
There
never was any proof that Mister H was actually eating any kids on account that
no one had disappeared or anything but that didn’t stop the stories. You know
how it is? You get the rep for eating kids and it just doesn’t go away. I mean
Buzz has got a rep for being really stupid but I have to tell you, he worked
really hard at that rep and deserves it.
I’m
making this all sound as if Buzz had come up with an idea that was as reliable
as the day is long. To be honest he had had several other really bad ideas.
Last Easter, he tried to climb up the pipes to Mister H’s roof but there was a
bird’s nest about three quarter ways up and those little kiddy birds started
peckin’ at Buzz’s face. You know Buzz hates anyone touchin’ his face so he
tried to shoo them away and that’s when he let go. Luckily he fell into a bush
and didn’t do any real damage although the pipe was hanging at a weird angle.
Around
June time, Buzz tried to lasso a rope around one of Mister H’s chimneys. He got
the rope on to one of the corner ones - the kind that crash to the ground real
hard when you pull on them, especially with a boy and a rope hanging off them.
You could
say Buzz escaped with his life, which is more than can be said for Mister
Huckerby’s pride and joy, his car. It was all smashed up. I think he thinks
that the street was hit with a tornado that day.
I guess I
never really asked Buzz until just now what he was going to do when he landed
on the roof. Was he gonna rescue the kids? Or what?
“I’m
gonna look in that attic window.”
“Then
what?”
“Not
sure.”
Buzz
strapped a kite to each arm and he reckoned this was gonna let him glide from
our roof and across the street.
“Even if
you do make his roof Buzz, how are you gonna get down?”
“Fly.”
Ain’t it
just dandy how the world and even the laws of physics belong to the really
stupid?
“Fine” I
said, but by which I meant so many other things.
Buzz
wanted me to stand at the front of my house when he did eventually jump. I’ve
no idea what he expected me to do – catch him?
“You can
help me...” he shouted.
“Navigate?”
I shouted back.
“Give me
directions” he shouted.
Then Buzz
stood at the edge of the roof and started flappin’ his arms and I tell you, I
nearly let some pee out, I laughed so hard. He just looked completely stupid.
Like a bird that had its behind set alight.
He
counted down and shouted that I should count with him.
“10,9,8....”
He was still flappin’ and I was still keeping my legs crossed in case I pee’d
again.
Then we
got to zero and he jumped and what do ya know? He kinda glided, not as far as
Mister H’s roof but to the tree in front of his house. That was where Buzz got
stuck until we called the fire engine folks over at Toolaville. I think some of
them tried to stop from laughing as well. I could see tears running down the Chief’s
face.
It took
us about 3 hours to free him and his wings and he was fine - surprisingly.
As for
the broken arm, it was as he crossed the street and into my driveway that he
stood on the skateboard and that’s when it happened. He broke his arm on the
drive way, got up and then stood on the skateboard again and broke his arm
again in my yard.
I swear
to the almighty I had to run all the way to the toilet as I nearly pee’d myself
again, what with all that laughin’.
...more stories in The Heart Academy on Amazon (Free Download until 13th May)
Bobby @ AMAZON.COM Bobby @ AMAZON CO UK
bobby stevenson 2013
thoughtcontrol ltd
No comments:
Post a Comment