Some things remain with you forever.
When I was ten years old, my father took me on a trip in an old battered car
and caravan, and although I didn’t know it at the time, my father was dying. He
was only forty years of age and he was dying of a brain tumour.
What can I tell you about me back then? That I was the only son of parents who
never got around to marrying? That I lived with my two sisters and a cat and
that despite not having any money, we lived in a house packed to the roof with
love.
Maybe that’s as good as it gets in anyone’s life.
My father was the gentlest of hearts and the kindest of men, and I’m not just
saying that because he’s gone. I’m saying it because it was true. It was his
strength and his weakness. My mother watched so many people taking advantage of
his goodness, that in the end she put herself in the way of anyone trying to
use him. This made her seem hard but she was willing to put up with that, because
that was what our family was always about – love.
My parents had decided that when school was closed for the summer, Mum and
the girls would go to London for a few days to see a show, while me and Dad
would go north taking his old car hooked up to Granddad’s caravan. I knew Dad
was probably hoping this would be a chance for us to talk, as he was always
working and I was always in my bedroom being misunderstood. Even at ten years
of age I had no real idea how to enjoy myself.
On that summer, that glorious summer, school finished and my life began. Dad
drove Mum and the girls to the railway station and I sat on the front steps
waiting, bag ready and caravan packed.
I’ll always remember the ‘toot-toot-toot’ of my Dad on the car horn as he
returned from the station, letting everyone in the street know that the boys
were off on holiday. All those unused days were spread before us, waiting.
If I’d thought that it was going to be a particularly difficult time sitting
in the car with my Dad, I was wrong. I had imagined him and me struggling to
talk to each other and stumbling over words. I guess I’ve always made
assumptions about things. I’ve worried and assumed – I suppose that’s what
should be written on my headstone. There I go again.
As we drove towards the coast, I felt ashamed of myself. Here was a man who
knew all about my writings and about the books I’d read. He would steal himself
into my room after he came home late from work, too late to wish me goodnight
but long enough to kiss me on the forehead and absorb from the room who and
what I was. There was I knowing very little about him, except he was my father
and he was rarely home.
I don’t recall when he stopped the car but I do remember it getting dark. I
had been telling him all about the characters in some Dickens novel when I must
have fallen asleep in his arms. When I awoke, it was morning and the sun was
fighting the condensation on the window. Dad had placed me in the back seat and
covered me with his jacket.
The car was freezing and as I sat up, I shivered. I wiped away mist from the
side window and saw, that despite the sun, the sky and the sea were a cold
blue, broken up by the foamy edges of the waves. We had parked at the edge of a
cliff and Dad was sitting, staring – that was all he was doing – just staring.
When I felt brave enough, I ventured outside to join him. I’ll always remember
his face that day, the wind had slapped his cheeks into a Santa Claus red and
his eyes were watering, stung by the sea. You could almost imagine that he had
been crying, and I wonder now, from all those years away, if he had been.
He told me to sit next to him and he put his arm around me, “You, and me,
son are going on an adventure”.
Now don’t get me wrong, I liked the sound of ‘adventure’ and I loved my
father and felt safe with him but there was always a part of me that wanted to
return to the protection of my bedroom, pull up my arms into my sleeves and
wait on the next hurtful thing. Yeah, you’re right, I was one weird kid.
As we came over the hill I could see it: Blackpool Tower. I had never seen
anything so tall in all my life and was so excited that I forgot about my
misgivings. The place was alive with people who were swept up with enjoying
life and buzzing with laughter. There were donkey rides by the sea, the odd
uncle with a handkerchief on his head to keep the sun away and people breaking
their teeth on sticks of rocks, slurping ice cream and getting pieces of candy
floss stuck to their noses.
Dad and I went down on to the beach and ate our fish and chips from a
newspaper. I think it was the best fish and chips I ever tasted.
“That’s better.” said Dad.
“What?”
“You’re smiling, you’ve got a nice smile, you know. You should use it more
often.”
“Oh Dad.”
“I’m just saying.”
And do you know what? I felt that I didn’t want to be anywhere else. Just me
and my Dad on the beach at Blackpool.
“It’s my fault.” he said, sadly.
“What is, Dad?”
“The fact that you never smile, me and your Mum left you sitting too long in
that room of yours.”
“I like my room.”
“No one likes their room.”
Dad parked the caravan down some quiet side street and told me to get washed
and ready as he took a walk into town. When he returned, his breath smelt of
beer and his clothes of cigarettes.
“You’ll never guess what I’ve got in my pocket? Two tickets to see Arthur Askey
at the Grand”.
What a night that was, everyone laughing and singing along with The Bee
Song. I looked over at my Dad and he was laughing so hard the tears were
rolling down his face. God, I miss him.
We had ice cream topped with raspberry sauce on the way back and I never
once thought about my misgivings, not once.
The next morning after a cup of tea and a bacon roll, we left Blackpool
still singing the Bee Song, just me and my Dad.
I can’t remember who saw the old lady first. My Dad had stopped the car
because I needed to pee again and I was hiding in the bushes. The woman was
sitting on a bench and at first we thought she was just sleeping, but her head
had rolled forwards and she was moaning. Dad put his ear close to listen to her
breathing.
“This isn’t good. We’ll need to get her to hospital.”
I sat with her in the back seat of the car while she rested her head on my
lap. She reminded me of my Gran, I almost said “We won’t be long now Gran” when
she moaned really loudly. The nurse brought Dad and me drinks as we sat in the
corridor waiting on news. It almost felt like it was my Gran.
“Are you family?”
Dad explained to the doctor that we had found her sitting by the side of the
road.
“There was nothing we could do, I’m afraid. I’m sorry your trip was in vain.
She passed away five minutes ago.”
Dad got a bit annoyed but he kept it to himself until we were outside the
hospital. I thought maybe he was sad about the old lady dying, but really he
was a bit angry.
“Don’t you ever believe that what we did was in vain, son. Never think that.
That poor lady would have died alone on that bench if we hadn’t stopped. As it
is, you kept her company and there were people with her when she went. So it
wasn’t in vain. Nothing is in vain. Always, always remember that. Everything
matters”.
I guess that’s the kind of thing that happens to a person when they come out
of their room.
As Dad drove north, I had the feeling that he just wanted to keep driving
but as soon as it started to get dark, we stopped. Thinking back, I guess he
couldn’t see too well in the dying light, something to do with his tumour.We
set the caravan down in a field that overlooked Liverpool. What a city.
Looking over the way the setting sun painted the building tops, a crimson
yellow. We were going into town tomorrow and Dad said he had a surprise.
I don’t think I have ever been to a happier city than Liverpool that day.
People were going to and fro but always laughing and joking. Some were
singing, others whistling. I loved every minute of it; every blooming minute of
it.
“I’ve got a pal and he owes me a favour”, said Dad. I felt ashamed that I
hadn’t even known that my father had any friends or who they were.
“He works at a club down Matthew Street. He says if we arrive early enough,
he’ll get us in and you can hide under my coat.”
I almost had misgivings again, almost wishing I was back in my safe, warm,
bedroom – almost.
We did what Dad said and he put me under his coat and the doorman, his pal,
waved us past all the people waiting to get in.
“We’ll need to keep you under cover young ‘un” said Bert, Dad’s pal, as he led
me to a small room by the stairs where he gave me lemonade.
“We’ll come and get you when the band is ready” said my Dad. “I’m going to have
a talk with Bert. You’ll be okay here?”
I would be.
I had just finished my drink when there was a knock at the door, followed by
it opening.
“Hey Paul, look what I’ve found, the Cavern has little people living under the
stairs. What are you doing here, son?”
I told him I was waiting on the band and that my Dad was coming to get me.
“And what band would that be son?”
I shrugged and the man seemed to find that funny. His pal, Paul came over to
have a look at me.
“You’re right John, that is one of the little people. You’ve got to be lucky to
see them” and then he rubbed my head.
John said it was his band that was playing and I said I was sorry. He said
not as sorry as he was and asked did I want to come to their dressing room?
Although on second thoughts, John said, there was probably more room under the
stairs.
So I went with John and Paul and met the other two, George and Pete. They
were all fooling around and didn’t seem to be in any way nervous. John asked me
what I wanted to do “That is, when you stop being one of the little people.”
I told him I wanted to be a writer and he said that was probably the best
job in the world next to being in a band, especially his band, and he went into
his jacket and gave me his pen.
“If anyone asks, tell them John Lennon gave it to you.”
That night I watched John, Paul, George and Pete play the most wonderful
music I had ever heard or will ever hear. I didn’t know it then, but a few
weeks later Ringo replaced Pete. I never got to meet him.
My Dad died, just after Christmas, that year.
He left me with the best present that I have ever received in my life. He
took me out of my room and locked the door so I couldn’t go back in. So what if
I got hurt? That was the price you paid for being out there, that was the price
we all paid, and the other thing he gave me was the belief that nothing is ever
in vain, nothing.
On the thirtieth anniversary of John Lennon’s death, I flew to New York and
walked through Central Park and climbed the hill to Strawberry Fields. There
was a little boy about ten and his Dad listening to the music of Lennon and I
took out the pen and I handed it to them:
“John Lennon gave me this.”
Everything matters.
bobby stevenson 2020
https://thougthcontrol.wordpress.com/
https://randomactsstories.blogspot.com/
Dedicated to my mother, Agnes and my father. Thomas – whereever they may be.
