Sunday, 13 September 2015

Wee Kenneth's Dating Agency

( a story not too far from the truth)

Kenneth was knee high to the rest of the world.

Not that being so short in height had caused him any problems, at least not in any ordinary way.  If he had been at the back of the queue for tallness, then he was certainly at the very front when they were handing out confidence. Some shy readers might be thinking that Kenneth was lucky having this attribute - but too much of anything, if it isn’t tempered by something else, can be worse than not having it at all.

Kenneth liked to think of himself as a ladies’ man – and although he wasn’t really sure what it entailed, he felt that it described him exactly.

If Kenneth saw a pretty girl he would break in to whomever they were talking to, and ask if they wanted a date. Most times the girl walked away or the man told him he would get punched if he didn’t leave.

“So, are you going out with me or not?” Kenneth would ask, even after being threatened. It usually ended with Kenneth running as quickly as his legs would carry him down some side-street or other.

Kenneth decided that the only way forward was to try a dating agency – one of those agencies on the ‘Net which could introduce you to several ideal ladies.

Kenneth felt it would save in all that running away and anyhoo, what was not to like about him?

The problem was that Kenneth’s confidence was with him as he filled in his details and although he didn’t mean to lie, a lot of what he put down were really big whoppers of untruths (not that he saw it that way – but the women did when they got to meet him). 

“I thought you said you were tall,” said one disappointed date.
“I am, in my family,” he replied with not a hint of sarcasm.

It was after many of these failed dates that Kenneth hit upon an idea. He would start up his own dating agency. Not a bad idea you would have thought, but Kenneth had one further twist - he would have photos of really ugly guys and one of him taken in a rather nice light several years earlier. In other words, he would charge the women money who had chosen to go out with him. If they picked someone else then he would just apologise that the man hadn’t turned up for the date and assure the woman the man would be dropped from the agency – by which, he meant that he would change the photo for another ugly face.

Kenneth was happy although no one else was. He got to go out on dates with women who paid for his time and then he never saw them again.

It was all going so well until a wife, who was bored with her ugly husband, saw a photo of him on Kenneth’s web site and hit the innocent man over the head with a bread board. The resulting court case exposed Kenneth and his little scheme and that is why he now resides in Parson’s Hill Jail.

Kenneth is three years into a seven year sentence and has made a respectable amount of money by setting up a prisoners’ dating agency.

You can make up your own mind who they are dating.

bobby stevenson 2015

wee bobby 

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