I remember one year in school we all took a vote on who would do this and who would achieve that. I was voted boy most likely to be a good husband (I ain’t got no idea what that means) and Buzz was voted most likely to die in a weird farming accident. I thought mine was real stupid, but Buzz kept telling everyone that they were probably right about his – on account, he also thought that would be the way he ended up, too.
There was a time when Buzz came real close to ending in a really weird way. I’d love to tell ya that the circus was in town as an excuse but that wouldn’t be true. I’d love to say that it was a freak of nature but that would still be pushing the truth.
Ya see it all started when Buzz decided that he had the smallest head in town (for a grown boy that is) and that he could stick his head in anything and he could safely pull it out. Now you would think that just thinking that thought was enough to keep someone as stupid as Buzz busy for a real long time, but it wasn’t.
After sticking his head in an old water pipe and coming out in one piece, he tried a cannon which stood in the middle of the town square. It was touch and go for a while as it took me and three kin folks of Buzz’s to pull him out. Still, he won two bucks on the bets he took. Although his head looked as if he’d been in a boxing match. I think he told his ma that he’d been fighting as that made her happier than knowing he was trying to stick his head in things.
He stuck his head down the storm drain and that was mighty close. He got everything stuck down there and it took me and seven of his family to pull him out. He told his ma that he’d been hit by a runaway cow and this seemed to let her sleep easier.
I thought he was surely gonna die the time he stuck his head down the toilet in school and Big Annie flushed the water. I guess he must had held his breath, ‘cause it was a good three minutes before he freed himself. He told his maw that he’d slipped and ended up in the river. That also seemed to make her happy about her boy.
But the real stupid attempt was the day before his birthday. I reckon he was getting’ all light-headed and all ‘cause his party was so near. But there was a zoo that was startin’ up in Empire City and they were passin’ through on the way there. Their main attraction was an old lion with no teeth, called Flatface (on account that he had a flat face). While the keepers were having a beer, they left the animals caged up in the square. That was when Buzz decided to sneak into Flatface’s cage - he knew the lion had no teeth but it still had claws even if they were old and curly. Buzz was gonna stick his head in Flatface’s mouth – I kid you not – when I kinda put a stop to it on account that I told him he might suffocate and who would collect the winnings.
So Buzz changed his mind and tried to squeeze back through the cage when his head got stuck – plain and simple wedged between two bars. Now old Flatface wasn’t that too concerned about Buzz bit it did take a liking to his butt. Old Flatface started licking Buzz all over but was really more interested in licking the boy’s butt and every time Flatface’s gums gave his behind a little bite, Buzz’s face went purple.
No one could help my pal ‘cause we nearly all wet ourselves on account of our laughing.
When they did rescue Buzz he walked all the way home with a big hole in his pants. He told his maw that he’d been shot out a cannon at a circus show and she seemed to take to that idea.
bobby stevenson 2015