That
summer, that glorious glorious summer, sat on the shoulder hills of the
little village and warmed the hearts of its inhabitants.
The
heat had slowed everything and everyone down to a more comfortable
life, more in tune with that of the eighteenth century than today’s
horrors. This suited perfectly Miss Sligerhorn, the village spinster – a
role, by the way, that she had been born to play. No harsh word would
leave her mouth regarding the heat wave, not for her the fast and
furious lifestyles of some of her more racy neighbours; no, Miss
Sligerhorn was definitely in her comfort zone.
Each
morning at precisely 5.52am the Colonel, a strange fruit indeed, would
cross Miss Sligerhorn’s path and they would greet each other in a polite
and courteous manner. Yet an outsider would probably sense an
underlying hostility to the proceedings. There had been talk, and I
emphasise that it was only talk, that Miss Sligerhorn had been left at
the altar by the Colonel; a most distressing state of affairs.
Every
day, pleasantries met, exchanged and forgotten, Miss Sligerhorn would
continue on her way to the cake shop which she had inherited from her
mother. A mother who deserves a story unto herself but we will put that
excitement aside for another time when the days are shorter and we can
rest by a large fire.
Miss
Sligerhorn was the gentlest of all creatures and considered most men to
be brutes. The Colonel, on the other hand, was a brute and considered
most women to be useless.
They
lived in the little village of Wetherby-by-Soot which had one pub,
where the men would congregate and quaff ales, and Miss Sligerhorn’s
cake shop, where the women would meet to discuss in great detail the men
that they had unfortunately married. All of them had entered matrimony
with careless haste and all of them were now regretting their actions at
leisure. This had been the way of things since the dawn of time but
things, as we shall see, were about to change.
In
London Town life was increasingly fraught and was made all the worse by
the heightened temperatures. It would be a truth to say that living and
working in the city was far from a pleasant experience.
Especially for the great and good who ran the country.
For
several years now there had been an increasing criticism of the
politicians who controlled the purse strings, who made the laws and
fiddled the expenses. Greed was the order of the day and such were the
financial cutbacks that if one were to be a politician nowadays it would
have to be for the love of the job rather than the benefits.
In
the current dog days love was a very rare thing, a very rare thing
indeed. So one bright Friday afternoon the Prime Minster and the rest of
the blameless walked out of Parliament and closed the store, as they
say. They shut up shop and refused to return until the people of the
land came to their senses and saw what a spectacular job they all had
been doing - which was never going to happen, if we’re being honest.
So
there we have the situation, a Mexican standoff where neither party is
going to back down causing the world around them to begin sinking into
the mire.
Some
of the local authorities attempted to collect rubbish, clean the
streets and keep the services rattling on even as the money ran out.
“Look
chaps, we’re looking for volunteers this weekend to clean the sewerage
system. So if you could raise your hands to show interest that would be
truly marvellous; what, no one, no one at all?”
So
not only did the heat wave cause the country to revert to eighteenth
century travel, the simmering politics caused the villages and towns to
close in on themselves and each little hamlet became judge, jury and
council for all of its inhabitants.
Wetherby-by-Soot
was no exception but I guess you knew that. If it had been possible to
build a castle keep around this village then they would have done so,
but time and money constraints put paid to that idea.
The
good folks of Wetherby didn’t want the scoundrels from
Axton-under-Soot, the neighbouring village, to come looking for those
things that were in short supply in Axton. This was a time for
fortitude, for kindness, for mercy, for every village looking after
itself and to hang with the rest.
Wetherby-by-Soot
had two streets: Church Street and High Street. They were laid out in a
letter ‘T’, meaning there were three entrances to and from the little
haven that had to be manned and guarded. The fact that anyone could
freely drive through the lanes that criss-crossed the fields did not
appear to come into the equation. Defence was more a matter of
visibility than practicality, it was a Maginot line populated by Miss
Marples and Colonel Blimps.
The kids of the village ignored the gates as if they didn’t exist and
when the ‘Gate Controller’ (the Colonel’s idea) asked ‘Who goes there?’ –
the kids would just stare at the questioner, utter ‘like, whatever’ and
walk on.
This
whole indiscipline issue was beginning to annoy the Colonel, so much
so, that he’d teamed up with Roger Hartness – agreed by all, to be the
angriest man in the village. Roger was known to shout at cats that’d
peed anywhere other than their own gardens. He had photographs in his
study of which animals belonged to which property. Roger was married
which came as a shock to most people when they first found out. His
wife, Tina, was the gentlest soul in the universe, perhaps she had to be
– two angry people in the one house would have been difficult to
maintain.
“Curfew!”
that was Roger’s summation of the problem. “The oldies are always in
bed relatively early, so the only folks to be upset with the curfew
would be the youngsters. I propose a village wide curfew of say, 9pm.”
To
enforce the curfew Roger and 'friends' would patrol the streets after
that time and ‘encourage’ the stragglers to get home as quickly as
possible. Naturally there would be shift workers, but as long as they
registered with Ground Control (Roger’s idea that one) things would go
smoothly or ‘tickety boo’ as Roger liked to say.
Now
this is where things get a little sticky – the Colonel, Roger and
'friends’ controlled the south gate, at the bottom of Church Street.
Miss Sligerhorn and her posse controlled the High Street and the two
exits involved with that road. Since the Colonel suggested a curfew and
patrol then you can bet your sweet bippies that Miss Sligerhorn went out
of her way to avoid such an action.
There
was a de-militarized zone at the junction of the High Street and Church
Street which had to be crossed frequently by the drinkers of the former
due to the fact that the Pub was in Church Street and therefore under
the jurisdiction of the Colonel.The cake shop and tea rooms, on the
other hand, sat on the High Street and were under the patronage of Team
Sligerhorn.
A
meeting had to be set up between the parties and the Village Hall was
proposed. However it was found to be situated too deep into the
Sligerhorn camp to be considered a neutral venue.
Outside
the village, and on the main city road, stood a burger van which sold
coffee, burgers and onions with fries at very reasonable prices (their
slogan). So this was to be the setting for the summit.
Miss
Sligerhorn and her followers turned up first and were heard to say
‘typical’ quite a few times under their breaths, even although they had
just passed through the Colonel’s territory and saw that his team were
still in the stages of getting ready. Thirty minutes later and all in
red berets, the Colonel’s Church Street gang arrived.
Miss
Sligerhorn had done much ‘tutting’ over the last half hour not just
because of the lateness of the other lot but also because of the prices
the burger van man was charging.
“We’re
in the middle of the Great Chaos or hadn’t you heard Miss Prim and
Proper” said the burger van owner with a hint of disgust.
“And
that means you can charge what you like, does it?” asked an angry Miss
Sligerhorn, who turned away from the van without waiting for an answer.
It
didn’t stop the burger van man shouting after her “I’ve got overheads
to consider. I’ve got to go and collect the burgers me self, thanks for
asking” but she wasn’t asking, she was already drinking tea from a flask
she had brought herself. She then turned to Irene, her Lieutenant, and
issued a statement “Irene, fifteen pence on all our buns. Make a note of
it, if you please.” Irene scribbled the message with a large butcher’s
pencil and her tongue hanging out.
“Fifteen pence on buns” said a self-satisfied Irene as she hit the note book with the lead end of her big pencil.
“And
twenty pence on fondant fancies” shouted Miss Sligerhorn causing Irene
to bring out her large butcher’s pencil and tongue once again.
When
the meeting began Miss Sligerhorn was the first to speak “We are not at
war, Colonel” she said, suddenly realising there was a double meaning
to her statement.
“Agreed”
“So why the need for a curfew?” asked the lady who he may have jilted at the marriage altar (or not).
“Because
we are in the midst of the Great Chaos” shouted the burger van owner
who had obviously heard that phrase from one of the more down market
newspapers.
The Colonel stood up to show off his very impressive 6 foot 4 inches of height and demanded a hush from the throng.
“Dear,
dear lady I am not the power hungry mad man that your people are
putting about the cake shop, I am just a concerned citizen that worries
about the youth of this nation, the youth of this country - after all
these people are our future, our investment, as it were” and the Colonel
started to hit his palm with his fist as if this was the culmination of
a lifetime of struggle, until someone shouted “Sit down you old fart,
you’re ruining my business” and as you may have guessed, it was the
burger van man.
A
vote was eventually taken and the Colonel’s people voted, not
surprisingly, for a curfew and all the Sligerhorn gang voted against a
curfew. Someone mentioned that the Sligerhorn part of the village was in
the more posh area and that votes should count double over there but
that lady was told to take a walk, by someone from the Colonel’s team
who also said they would punch her on the nose if she didn’t shut up
this minute.
So nothing was decided that day and the village grew, sadly, a little further apart as a result.
On
the Church Street side were the village tennis courts, available for
hire at subsidised rates. They were now no longer in use, that is, until
the Colonel came up with an idea.
The
courts had a wire mesh surrounding them up to a good height of 12 feet,
this allowed the balls to avoid hitting the nice people of
Wetherby-by-Soot. The fence would be hard to scale and that is why the
by the following morning most of the curfew breakers who attempted to
enter the village by the Church Street entrance were now being held
prisoner in the tennis courts.
“We’ll
hold them until they’ve learnt their lesson” decreed the Colonel.
Standing at each corner on step ladders were men holding buckets full of
tennis balls. If any of the curfew breakers had dared to move, one of
the men would throw a tennis ball to deter them. However being British
and in charge of a tennis ball meant that not one curfew breaker ever
got hit; a very sad but true fact.
The
Colonel had attempted to curtail visiting times to deprive the
youngsters of family support but it had a limited effect as the families
just sat on the hill above the courts throwing chocolate bars and
packets of crisps in to the ‘prison’.
By
Saturday the whole of the youth of the village, including those that
lived in High Street had been imprisoned. If we are really being honest
most of the parents were enjoying the break. They knew where their kids
were, that they were being looked after and couldn’t get into trouble.
“Let the Colonel sort them out. See how he likes it” was the common response and to be honest the Colonel was at his wit’s end.
He
had attempted to keep the kids entertained by playing something called a
‘record player’ and music by people called ‘The Beatles’ – but none of
the kids seemed that interested until he threatened to take away their
phones and music players if they didn’t listen.
A child without a phone is a child ready to start a revolution.
The
Colonel sent in his men with berets to take away the kid’s phones and
pods. Apparently asking them to hand them over hadn’t been a huge
success, so forced removal seemed the only option. The team was to be
led by Angry Roger, who as it happens had found himself not to be as
angry as the Colonel and was more of a slightly miffed Roger.
As
soon as the team entered the compound (the Colonel’s description) they
were surrounded, stripped naked and tied to the fences. Within fifteen
minutes the kids had walked out of the tennis courts free as the day
they were born and still in possession of their phones.
But
they didn’t stop there, the Colonel was dragged outside his home and a
rope tied around his ankles, then hung upside down from a lamppost. Even
though he kept shouting that the blood was running to his head, no one
paid the slightest bit of attention to him. In fact later in the day,
the kids started to play a game where they used the upside down Colonel
to play a kind of skittles. Large plastic bottles were stood on end and
the Colonel was swung around to see how many he could knock down. Miss
Sligerhorn and her team took on the village teenagers and did themselves
proud by winning after a tie break.
The
following Monday the ‘Great Chaos’ was over as the politicians had had
enough of sitting at home; the Government returned to making laws and
fiddling expenses, Miss Sligerhorn had a re-launch of her cake shop but,
like the burger van man, refused to reduce her prices to pre-Chaos
levels, especially on those fondant fancies.
Without
much ado, the world returned to where it had been before, that is in a
much bigger mess but with people talking to each other.
By
Tuesday of the following week Miss Sligerhorn and the Colonel were
wishing each other a ‘good morning’ with the usual unspoken reservations
at 5.52am.
All was right with the world.
bobby stevenson 2012
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